It's Not Easy Being Yellow

Get me the biggest, baddest soap box you've got, because I have a rant about the nature of cultural and racial politics. Much of modern cultural and racial discourse has become arguing over who is the big victim in any situation. It's called lots of things, but I learned it as the "culture of victimization" - and I want in. It looks like fun. Watch this.

I'm a straight male and I'm a victim! I will band together with my fellow straight males and we will fight the oppressive majority!

Awesome, isn't it? I feel empowered already. Okay, seriously, my rant is not about victimization. It's about money. Because as you know, next to breathing, hoarding and whoring for money are the most important things I do in my life.

Yesterday, I went to the local supermarket to buy some fruit. I know I know - totally out of character for me, but it's true. I was craving fruit. If this isn't proof positive that I'm now an old old man, then it was probably the crippling chest pains from trying to eat my fourth fried twinkie yesterday that made me re-assess my opinion of occasionally eating the odd piece of fruit.

So I buy a bag of apples - 9 apples for $2.50. Then I see that this supermarket carries Asian Pears. Also called apple pears, they have the consistency and texture of an apple, but the sweetness of a pear. Seeing as I'm Asian and grew up eating these things, I was prepared to buy some - but I wasn't prepared for the cost. 3 Asian pears for $5.25.

This isn't the first case of Asian sticker-shock I've ever dealt with. After I graduated from college, I decided that I should have something Korean in my apartment. My girlfriend and I went down to a Korean gift shop. My original thought was to buy some of the Korean throw pillows for the living room. As a kid, those throw pillows were fun to play with - and when guests came over, they made comfy chairs. But I discovered that a set of four pillows was around $200. So much for the pillows. I ended up buying a pair of Korean macrame with the mounting scroll, and it still set me back a lot more than I wanted.

Which begs the question. Why is it so damn expensive being Asian?

$5.25 for three Asian pears? Why is the Asian fruit six times more expensive than the non-Asian fruit? Why are Asian pillows ten times more expensive than non-Asian pillows? Why are the Asian hookers two times more expensive to get to go home with you than non-Asian hookers? I'll tell you why. Well, not about the Asian hooker part - I made that part up.

Seriously. Stop it. This isn't about me. This is about the issue. No, I don't know who that girl is. No, the baby's not mine - Maury Povich said so. I'm not on trial here. My hooker habits are not a topic here.

My point is - being Asian is expensive. And it's not like Asians have any money (not THIS Asian, anyways), so this cost-of-being-Asian hits the Asian community (namely, me!) quite hard. I don't know why it's this way, but I'm pretty certain that as an Asian, I'm being victimized. And I will band together with my fellow fiscally-challenged Asians and we will fight the oppressive majority.

So I don't want to hear from other minorities, "We're being denied our civil rights" or "My people are being killed" or "God deliver us from evil." Save it. BECAUSE I JUST PAID $1.75 FOR A @#$#-ING PIECE OF FRUIT! WHO'S THE REAL VICTIM HERE?!?

By the way, I'm not just ranting about the problem. I'm doing something about it. I'm planting a dozen Asian pear trees in my backyard. Once these things grow and bear fruit, I can retire to the beach front mansion I so richly deserve. Forget stocks, bonds, real estate, marrying a ketchup heiress, or other traditional investments. It's clear to me that the future is in Asian fruit trees.