These are a few of my favorite things...
Thanks to the programming minds at ESPN, who manage to fill in a whole 24 hours of programming each day, I've found myself broadening my mind and watching and appreciating new sports.
I'd still rather be watching NHL hockey - but thanks to ESPN, it's now got some competition.
WOMENS' LOG-ROLLING
Every summer, ESPN airs the "Outdoor Games" - with sports like climbing trees, chopping down trees. Um, some other stuff with trees. And cute cuddly dogs catching frisbees.
But the best part of the Outdoor Games is the sport of womens' log rolling. They set up logs in a waist-deep pool, the women get on, and try to spin the log and knock off their opponent. The loser ends up falling into the pool - usually just waist-deep. But if the match goes really well, the loser falls into the water horizontally - getting completely soaked from head-to-toe. Many of the women are from Wisconsin, for some reason - and several of them are sisters.
Now if you think I'm only a fan of womens' log rolling because I like watching women getting soaked in water, you'd only be PARTIALLY right. Because I think ALL sports would be infinitely more entertaining if the loser got dunked with water.
Imagine the cornerback who falls down and lets the wide receiver catch the game-winning touchdown - then the coach immediately throws him into a swimming pool. The center who gets dunked on by Shaquille O'Neal - then Shaq gets to stuff the 7' center into a 4' bathtub. The guy who misses the cut at a golf tournament gets chucked into a water hazard. The San Francisco Giants baseball pitcher who gives up the home run gets thrown into McCovey's Cove.
You see? The water makes the agony of defeat much more delicious. I won't even describe what water humiliation could do for the Winter Olympics.
I could do without all the other sports in the Outdoor Games. But forget what Lloyd Dobler tells you - the sport of the future is Womens' Log Rolling. Which leads me to my other favorite sport on ESPN.
LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL
Normally I can't watch a whole baseball game on TV. There's just no charm in it - the batters constantly calling for time, then fouling off nine or ten pitches before grounding out to the first baseman, my breaking the television set trying to throw the remote at Tim McCarver or Joe Morgan. But Little League is totally different.
First off, these kids are just so happy to be there. They're goofy and you know that they're loving all the perks of being in the limelight. A game played in front of ESPN cameras, while all their friends and family get to see them on television. A stadium with cheering and screaming fans. And after the game, all the action from all the skanky 9 and 10 year-old girls who just want to sidle up with a Little Leaguer... okay, I'm making that last part up. But wouldn't it be funny if it was true?
I also love how the ESPN graphics show the kid's favorite baseball player. So you see a lot of players and think it's awfully cute that he's got a favorite player, like Albert Pujols or Vlad Guerrero. But then some kid comes up to bat and you see that his favorite baseball player is some untalented shlub. Either that kid has some really low standards for heroes or he's too busy throwing his remote at McCarver or Morgan to watch baseball on TV.
But most of all, and I have to be careful how I say this so I don't look like a heartless jerk, but I love how the kids cry. And the ESPN directors try their best to show some restraint, but it's really hard to resist when you see a kid with tears streaming down his face because he gave up a home run. Or a kid who collapses into a heap and tries to use his batting gloves to soak away the tears. You can hear the directors thinking out loud, "But this is the human condition! It's drama! I have to show the kid crying on national tv so all his friends and family back home and heartless jerk bloggers nationwide can see it!"
If ESPN really wants to humiliate these kids even further, instead of just showing them crying, throw these kids in the log-rolling pool. Hey, I'd watch it.
I'd still rather be watching NHL hockey - but thanks to ESPN, it's now got some competition.
WOMENS' LOG-ROLLING
Every summer, ESPN airs the "Outdoor Games" - with sports like climbing trees, chopping down trees. Um, some other stuff with trees. And cute cuddly dogs catching frisbees.
But the best part of the Outdoor Games is the sport of womens' log rolling. They set up logs in a waist-deep pool, the women get on, and try to spin the log and knock off their opponent. The loser ends up falling into the pool - usually just waist-deep. But if the match goes really well, the loser falls into the water horizontally - getting completely soaked from head-to-toe. Many of the women are from Wisconsin, for some reason - and several of them are sisters.
Now if you think I'm only a fan of womens' log rolling because I like watching women getting soaked in water, you'd only be PARTIALLY right. Because I think ALL sports would be infinitely more entertaining if the loser got dunked with water.
Imagine the cornerback who falls down and lets the wide receiver catch the game-winning touchdown - then the coach immediately throws him into a swimming pool. The center who gets dunked on by Shaquille O'Neal - then Shaq gets to stuff the 7' center into a 4' bathtub. The guy who misses the cut at a golf tournament gets chucked into a water hazard. The San Francisco Giants baseball pitcher who gives up the home run gets thrown into McCovey's Cove.
You see? The water makes the agony of defeat much more delicious. I won't even describe what water humiliation could do for the Winter Olympics.
I could do without all the other sports in the Outdoor Games. But forget what Lloyd Dobler tells you - the sport of the future is Womens' Log Rolling. Which leads me to my other favorite sport on ESPN.
LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL
Normally I can't watch a whole baseball game on TV. There's just no charm in it - the batters constantly calling for time, then fouling off nine or ten pitches before grounding out to the first baseman, my breaking the television set trying to throw the remote at Tim McCarver or Joe Morgan. But Little League is totally different.
First off, these kids are just so happy to be there. They're goofy and you know that they're loving all the perks of being in the limelight. A game played in front of ESPN cameras, while all their friends and family get to see them on television. A stadium with cheering and screaming fans. And after the game, all the action from all the skanky 9 and 10 year-old girls who just want to sidle up with a Little Leaguer... okay, I'm making that last part up. But wouldn't it be funny if it was true?
I also love how the ESPN graphics show the kid's favorite baseball player. So you see a lot of players and think it's awfully cute that he's got a favorite player, like Albert Pujols or Vlad Guerrero. But then some kid comes up to bat and you see that his favorite baseball player is some untalented shlub. Either that kid has some really low standards for heroes or he's too busy throwing his remote at McCarver or Morgan to watch baseball on TV.
But most of all, and I have to be careful how I say this so I don't look like a heartless jerk, but I love how the kids cry. And the ESPN directors try their best to show some restraint, but it's really hard to resist when you see a kid with tears streaming down his face because he gave up a home run. Or a kid who collapses into a heap and tries to use his batting gloves to soak away the tears. You can hear the directors thinking out loud, "But this is the human condition! It's drama! I have to show the kid crying on national tv so all his friends and family back home and heartless jerk bloggers nationwide can see it!"
If ESPN really wants to humiliate these kids even further, instead of just showing them crying, throw these kids in the log-rolling pool. Hey, I'd watch it.
posted by Eugene at 8:30 PM
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