I'm No Handyman

Scott "Dilbert" Adams has an essay where he argues that the evolutionary ideal of a man is changing. While it used to be that the most desirable male mate was the one powerful enough to kill the most buffalo for food, the new most desirable male mate is now the one powerful enough to troubleshoot spreadsheets in Microsoft Excel.

I wish that were true and that I never had to kill a buffalo to impress the ladies. But there's something important about men and their ability to fix things. In the past week, I've had two experiences that should have been incredibly easy.

But this is me we're talking about. Anything "incredibly easy" - by my definition - must cause pain and suffering.



I found a great price on a cheap-o two-piece Easton graphite composite. The shaft arrived mail-order - I just needed to put the wooden hockey blade in. The obstacle stopping me - a black plastic plug stuck at the end of the shaft. I yanked and pulled and tried pliers - it wouldn't come out.

Then it hit me. Is it GLUED in? So I heated the end of the shaft and tried to pull the plug out. Sure enough - POP! It came out... covered in glue, which melted and dripped all over the place. Fortunately, none of the burning hot glue landed on me. After I cleaned up all the glue and threw away the plug, putting the stick blade into the shaft was a snap. I held the stick up high and admired my work... when I realized that I'd put the blade in BACKWARDS...

It was a tiny thing. No big deal if it's in backwards. Nobody knows.... except for ME. But since I know, I obsessed over it for hours - then ended up reheating the shaft, removing the blade, and putting it back in right.



Next up, the iPod. I have a second-hand 2nd generation iPod - an old 10 gb model that I bought off of Ebay a few years ago and it's been rock solid for me over the years. The only problem with it has been that the battery has been holding less and less of a charge. But a replacement iPod battery kit promised 12-16 hours of power for my iPod - and it came with a non-scratch tool.

Using the non-scratch tool, I managed to lightly scratch the screen. Then trying to pry the back off, the iPod innards got STUCK to the inside of the back, so it wouldn't come out. Then the headphone jack at the top of the iPod got stuck inside the front of the case. Then the non-scratch tool scratched my left hand, gouging out a piece out of my left ring-finger.

After the bleeding stopped and I had said enough curse words to keep me in Purgatory for a good long time, I snapped the iPod back together and tried to run the tool through it again. This time, I managed to get the non-scratch tool where it was supposed to - in the iPod - and pried the back off in one swift move. Replacing the actual battery was two seconds of work, as was replacing the back of the iPod.

So for those keeping track at home, time needed to open the iPod? 20-25 minutes. Time needed to replace the battery and close it? 5-6 seconds.

I realize that there's something manly about a guy who can build and fix things. And for a guy who sobbed like a girl when he stabbing himself in the hand and screamed like a baby when nearly scalding himself with burning hot glue, I must say - I feel pretty manly.