On Writing: Wannabe Writer Gurus

Hadn't planned on another writing rant so soon, but this was on my mind. So this weekend, I was clicking around and I don't know why - but I clicked on one of those linky-links that brought up someone's blog.

It was a blog filled with screenwriting tips and advice. Every other post was titled something like "building character through dialogue" and "escalating conflict in the second act". The advice appeared to be sound, but it came off as mechanical and phony. Then it hit me - would a REAL writer talk like this? I hang around writers all the time and we don't talk about writing like this. Writers gab about what new tv show or film they've discovered, writers talk about their agent's obsessive-compulsive habits, writers talk about great places to have lunch, writers talk about stupid executives they've worked with. Writers don't talk about "supporting character motives" and "better outlining for a better tomorrow".

I googled the blog's author. In 0.37 seconds (Tangent rant - why does Google bother to tell us how long it took to search? Am I supposed to be impressed?), I discovered that this person wasn't a writer - this person was a WANNABE WRITER GURU. This wannabe (details changed to protect the foolishly innocent) lives in the middle of South Dakota, is a Human Resources assistant by day, and by night works on his screenplays with a writers group that meets on nights that American Idol doesn't air. This person's listing of favorite movies in their blogger profile is like a who's-who of mediocre films. Would you trust a screenwriting teacher who listed a Michael Bay movie as one of the BEST of all time? I think not. And yet this wannabe somehow feels like he's qualified to give out screenwriting advice.

I realize the old saying - those that can't do, teach. For that reason, I will now give out advice as a professional childbirth instructor. Just because I've never actually given birth (seeing as I'm male), that's no reason why I can't teach women how to give birth to children. And I can keep a childbirth blog with professional-sounding tips like, "building character through dialogue" and "escalating conflict in the second act".

In all seriousness, there are writers online who have blogs and give out advice on writing. REAL writers. Guys like Craig Mazin and John Rogers. Read them. They've experienced far more success than most of us can ever dream of having. When one of them tells me something about writing, I pay attention.

And no matter what you do, under no circumstances should you EVER... take my advice. I write cartoons for a living. Unless you want to know if it's Wabbit or Duck season. Or maybe how to have a baby...