Christmas Story

I only have a handful of stories about my life that people actually like to hear. This is one of them.

Christmas time. I think I was six years old and I was in the big Korean church Christmas play. It was a telling of the Nativity story and I was in the very first scene - I was a SHEEP out in the fields on Christmas Eve. Me and the other little girl actress were to read our page of dialogue - stuff like, "Wow, I've never seen that star before." "It shines so brightly above Bethlehem." I memorized my lines, my mom sewed a puffy white costume for me, and voila - I was a sheep.

The dress rehearsal went well. We read our lines, then exited stage right. No problems.

Then came the actual performance that night. The play began - me and the other little girl took the stage. The lights were really bright and the church hall was packed - hundreds of people looking back at me. We each delivered our lines and our scene went flawlessly. After we finished, I exited stage right.

Or at least... I TRIED TO.

Unlike at dress rehearsal, there was an elderly Korean woman at the stage right exit. And she was whispering and motioning at me, "No! Go the other way!"

So I stopped in my tracks and did what she told me to - I turned around, walked back to the other side of the stage, and tried to exit stage left. The other sheep followed me. The next scene started, the wise men actors set up and started their lines, but behind them, two kids in sheep costumes crossed the stage.

I reached the stage left exit. At this door, there was a Korean man in a suit with glasses. He whispered loudly and motioned, "No! Not this way! Go the other way!"

So I stopped, turned around, and walked back across stage right. The scene continued and I finally reached stage right... where the old Korean woman whispered loudly and pointed, "No! Not this way! You have to go out the other way!"

So I stopped, turned around, and headed back stage left. I seem to have a vague recollection of it being a scene with Herod and three wise men talking about the birth of Jesus. But if you were in the audience that night, you didn't see that scene. You were too busy watching the two sheep walking back and forth across the stage. Oh yes - two sheep. The little girl followed me back and forth, as if somehow *I* knew where we were supposed to go.

As you can predict, I reached stage left and the Korean man yelled at me to go the other way. So I dutifully stopped, turned around, and crossed back across the stage towards the exit stage right. Before I even got there, I could see the elderly Korean woman pointing me in the opposite direction.

I turned around and headed back stage left again. At this point, someone in the audience (maybe my Dad or Uncle? maybe the other sheep's relative?) shouted out loudly, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I looked out at the audience and shrugged - arms out like, "I don't know! Somebody help me!" The audience ROARED with laughter.

I reached stage left - and the Korean man was very adamant that we couldn't exit this way. So I turned around and headed back stage right. The play was continuing... and the Eugene sheep from the first scene was still looking for a way off the stage. Looking back now, I wonder where the other actors were entering and exiting the stage?

I also wonder why some grown-up didn't just run out there pretending to be a shepherd, then drag me away to be slaughtered into a lamb chop.

After a few more times back and forth through what seemed like the entire nativity story, I reached stage right, and the elderly Korean woman said, "Come on!" and waved me over. FINALLY, I was off stage. I don't remember much else about that night except being in that tiny room stage right and wondering... Why didn't that old lady let me exit here in the first place? Like we practiced?"

Over the years that I've told this story, people have different theories as to why she wouldn't deign to let me use her stage right exit. One good theory is that she wasn't whispering and motioning at me, but she was trying to get someone else's attention. The other theory is that there was some power struggle going on between the two stage exits and each one had to be right. Maybe she just wanted to show me that I was not cut out to be an actor. Or maybe I just a dumb kid that night.

Anyways, that's my Christmas story. I'd like to think that my experience led to the funniest Nativity play ever. And it taught me a valuable life lesson that I still use today...

Whenever you're in trouble, just shrug and throw your arms like, "I don't know! Somebody help me!" People won't help you, but they'll laugh - and in the end, that's what really matters.

Happy Holidays everybody!