Writing: Learn from the worst

At the risk of sounding really negative, I needed to post this. There's this person we all know. So as not to embarrass him, I'll call him "Zed".

Zed wants to be a writer. I've never read his stuff, so I don't know if he can write. What I DO know is that Zed is his own worst enemy and has bungled every opportunity he's been given. A few pro writers I know have tried to take Zed aside and help him, but unfortunately, Zed has no clue what he's doing, he doesn't take the advice he's given, and is blissfully ignorant that he's got no future in writing.

I've thought about trying to help Zed, but more patient and successful writers than I have tried and come away frustrated. It's painfully obvious that Zed is a lost cause.

So instead of writing this to Zed, I'm going to write it to you. Zed may not get anything out of it, but maybe someone else out there can find it useful.

8 simple rules for not self-sabotaging your career.

1. DON'T BE A JERK

I know, this rule should be obvious, huh? But you'd be surprised how many people don't follow this one. Dropping insults and a smug attitude and compliments that are thinly veiled insults. Once Zed greeted me with, "I have no idea why you're even here, but hello." Uh, yeah, thanks.

Zed also does a lot of the classic bad-attitude, "your script was bad, I could've done a better job." If you want to impress with your story skills, do it by criticizing a script that someone ELSE wrote. It's okay to THINK that someone's script stunk - but don't tell someone to their face they could've done better.

If you don't care what people think of you, then say whatever you want. But if you're trying to get people to like you and maybe even hire you? You might want to try to make a good impression.

2. DON'T STUFF YOUR RESUME

It's okay to be a newbie. It's okay to have a day job. It's okay to not have a ton of experience. We all started there.

What's NOT okay is to inflate your credits because you think it makes you look better. Zed is particularly bad at stuffing his resume with so-called credits that no one is impressed with. Even some EMBARRASSING jobs that normal people would try to hide - not brag about.

No one cares that you wrote an essay for your high school yearbook. No one cares who you once delivered bagels to. It makes you look less like an eager inexperienced writer and more like a wannabe poseur.

3. CHECK YOUR EGO

All writers have egos. We all have an insatiable desire to see our name up in lights. Nothing wrong with that. But even writer egos have limits.

Zed likes to put his name up on everything. Zed can't stop talking about himself. Zed has a bio-sheet about himself that is at least eight pages long, single-spaced. And whenever Zed talks to you, he's trying really hard to prove he's your equal. It's obvious he gets a self-esteem boost out of telling others that he's a writer. Zed often goes online to talk about his favorite topic - himself. That might impress your family, but that doesn't impress other writers.

Humility gets you a lot of mileage in life. Try it sometimes.

4. ACT LIKE A PROFESSIONAL

Writers get hired because the person doing the hiring has faith that the writer can do the job in a professional manner. If you act like you don't know what you're doing, you're not going to get hired.

Zed angered several people because he couldn't follow simple directions. Zed was told, "Call me back on Friday" - and then Zed would call back on Wednesday. Zed was told, "I'll read it tonight and call you back tomorrow" - and then Zed would call back an hour later asking for updates.

Does Zed have bad hearing? Is Zed so enthusiastic he can't control himself? Does Zed just not understand that people are busy with their own lives? Whatever the answer, his behavior is unprofessional - and thanks to caller I.D., his calls now go unanswered.

5. YOUR REPUTATION IS EVERYTHING

Story editors and executives are very busy and have a limited amount of time in the day. The more you're able to work independently and deliver without needing hand-holding every step of the way? The more they're going to like working with you and the more they'll tell others how great you are.

The reverse is also true. Due to the negative experiences story editors and executives have had with him, a lot of people know not to hire Zed. This town is a small town - and the animation community is a small one where everyone knows everyone else. A good reputation travels fast - and a bad one travels even faster.

6. DON'T ACT SO CREEPY AND DESPERATE

The leering at people. The saying loudly, "GEE, IT SURE WOULD BE NICE IF SOMEONE GAVE ME A WRITING JOB" making everyone in the room uncomfortable? It's creepy and desperate and weird.

And if you don't know by now that creepy and desperate and weird is bad? Who knows when you'll finally learn it.

7. DON'T BE STUPID

A professional writer took Zed aside and offered to mentor him. This amazingly successful and talented pro-writer offered to take him to lunch, talk to him about what he was doing wrong, and maybe introduce him to people who were looking for writers. Zed's answer? "Nah. It's too far to drive."

If a pro writer sticks their neck out for you and offers to help you, the correct answer is some form of "yes", "please", and "thank you" - UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE IS THE WORD "NO" A PROPER RESPONSE IN THIS SITUATION.

So don't be stupid. Nuff said. And finally-

8. BE SOCIAL

Sounds simple, doesn't it? Most of the time when I get contacted by people who want to be writers, they come off eager, impressive, and likeable. It's not hard. Yet there are writers like Zed who can't seem to do it.

Maybe twenty years ago, a writer with bad social skills could still make it in Hollywood. They wouldn't have to deal with people - they just sat behind a typewriter and made it work for them. But the business of writing has changed. There are so many talented writers available at any time that you have to do something to stand out.

Nowadays, you MUST be social. You don't have to be the life of the party (those people are called actors), but you have to be able to exude confidence and make executives, story editors, agents, everybody believe in you. You have to be able to pitch someone in person or on the phone and make them think that you're the best person for a job. That's one of the reasons you see so many former lawyers and marketing execs in Hollywood - people skills are becoming almost as important as your writing skills. If you don't have those social skills, you're better off writing novels.

It all comes back to basic social skills. And if Zed had them, he probably wouldn't need to be told things like "don't be a jerk" and "don't be stupid".

Hope this helps out there. For most of you, it's going to be a chuckle, knowing that you didn't need to be told any of these 8 rules. For some of you, it's going to be a RIOT, knowing that you know who Zed is.

But maybe someone out there will get some use out of this. I hope so. Because believe it or not, most pro writers are incredibly generous with their time and really want you to succeed. The world needs good story-tellers.

Oh - one last note about Zed. Keep in mind - Zed is out there! So if you're a new writer and looking to make it, please please PLEASE be careful who you listen to. Just because they tell you they're a writer, doesn't mean that they're not Zed.

By the way, that includes me. Just because I'm writing this doesn't mean you should take everything I say as gospel. Unless you're Zed. Then please listen to me and take this as gospel.

Then again, if you ARE Zed... you probably just read this and said, "Wow, glad I'm not Zed..."