Let's Review Europe

So later this summer, I'm leaving on a vacation. I've never been to Europe before and this is the first time I've left the country in over a decade, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm spending way too much money on this whirlwind trip, but I know it's going to be one of the best experiences of my life.

[Cue "Eugene gets ironic comeuppance" here - maybe in the "airline loses luggage" or "gets pickpocketed multiple times" or "catches incurable disease" categories]

Anyways, before I book hotel rooms, I've been researching hotel reviews at TripAdvisor.com. But part of researching hotels is to know how to filter out the stupid reviews. The reviews where it's not really the hotel room with the problem, but the person who stayed there.

And really, some of these reviews are so bad, they make me want to renounce my American citizenship and maybe try to gain citizenship in, I dunno, Greenland or something. Someplace where people don't leave reviews about Italian hotels like these-

The hotel was on this horrible cobblestone street. It was incredibly annoying having to walk up and down these jagged streets. I complained to the manager, but he didn't seem to care.

Can you imagine what that poor hotel manager was thinking when someone complains that the ANCIENT ROMANS could've done a better job when they built those cobblestone streets. "You know, we've been meaning to do something about those ancient streets. We've been busy and just haven't gotten around to it... in the past 2000 years." As my friend said, this is the type of person who should visit Las Vegas - not Italy.

This one is a common complaint-

The hotel only had one English-language television channel. Very disappointing.

They go to Italy, then get annoyed that they DARE DEIGN to have their television in Italian. Forget Iraq, we should go to war with Italy to get this grave injustice fixed. One good troop surge and we'll have FuseTV's Pants Off Dance Off in Italy for all to enjoy in English.

This person is a wimp-

I found a spider in our room. I went to complain to the manager, but he was less than sympathetic.

Cause we all know that a close-call with a spider is one of the most traumatic things someone can ever experience. Maybe this'll be my ironic comeuppance.

This one made me laugh pretty hard-

The hotel housekeeping staff didn't speak English. I tried to ask for extra towels and pillows, but not a single one of the maids spoke English. It ruined my trip.

I wonder what kind of fantasy world this person lives in, where they expect the maids to be multi-lingual? Good luck finding a hotel housekeeping staff in AMERICA that speaks ENGLISH - let alone in ITALY.

In all seriousness, these people don't deserve to travel the world. With people like this visiting their countries, it's a wonder Europeans will even let us anywhere near their borders. I fear for the safety of Rick Steves.

Anyways, if you've been to Europe and have any tips, please let me know. Don't warn me about the spiders - I heard about them already.