When in Rome, Blog as the Romans Do
A few last things about Paris.
While I didn't want to go to Paris just to eat fast food, for lunch one day, we ended up at the McDonald's next to the Louvre. Since it was nice out, we grabbed McDonald's and had a picnic in the Jardin de Tuilieres. Now, I read a travel book that suggested trying to stop in a fast food joint while in Europe, not to order a Big Mac, but to order something off the menu that they only have in the country you're in. So if you're me and you're in McDonald's in Europe, what do you order? Of course - Royale with Cheese. Thank you, Quentin Tarantino. When I saw that on the menu, that's it, I had to try one. I ended up ordering the Royale Deluxe, which is just like a Quarter Pounder, but with a honey mustard mayonnaise. They also gave me mayonnaise for my fries - then to complete my French Pulp Fiction moment, I re-enacted the scene with Uma Thurman and the syringe...
Something about Paris you might not know, but French people LOVE Dora the Explorer. It goes Jerry Lewis, Woody Allen, and Dora the Explorer. Got to watch Dora the Explorer on French television, saw some guy walking down Rue de Montparnasse carrying an enormous Dora the Explorer toy play-set, and I counted at least two Dora the Explorer car sunshades on the way to the airport. So let it be known - the French love Dora the Explorer.
But they think Diego is a little @%&#.
The Eugene World Tour moves on. Next stop - Italy! Got to Charles De Gaulle airport three hours before my flight, and then got told that I was TOO EARLY to check-in because the staff wouldn't get there for another hour. Never had that happen before. Then the flight from Paris was delayed by two hours and there was another one hour delay for the luggage in Rome - and if it sounds like fun, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. Fun like a gun to the head. Not the best way to start this leg of the trip. Then again, the Italians are known for their laid back attitudes towards timeliness. So maybe that 11:15am flight means 11:15-ISH. In that case, the flight wasn't delayed - it was just taking its time.
Now here's the point that I admit that I was scared about coming to Rome. Every tourist guide you read about Rome starts off like this, "Rome is a city of PICK-POCKETS, GYPSIES, GANGS - BUY A SECURE MONEY BELT, A KNIFE-PROOF PURSE, AND LIFE INSURANCE." Needless to say, I was a little worried. The common suggestion is to try to not look like a tourist, but looking like I do, I was TERRIFIED that I wouldn't fit in. Can you imagine some gang of roving knife-wielding gypsies seeing me? "Look! It's one of them there Asian-Americans with hair-highlights and Dockers pants. That must mean he's rich! Let's get him!"
Now a friend told me that exaggerating Rome's reputation for thieves is the only way to warn ignorant tourists not to let themselves be easy targets. I was hoping he was right.
I got off the plane and walked through the Rome Fiumicino airport without being attacked. So far - so good. Then got on the train. Again, nothing out of the ordinary. Then got off the first train to connect to the next train - had to buy a ticket. First, got hassled by the scariest homeless guy I'd ever seen (until the next one I saw - needless to say ALL homeless guys look like they're from the Robin Williams-school of over-acting...) - then while waiting to buy a ticket, I got grabbed by the arm by this mentally-ill pregnant woman, shouting at me in Italian. I kinda blurted out, "non parlo inglese!" I meant to say that I didn't speak Italian, but in my scared state, it came out that I didn't speak English. Presumably, she thought I was crazier than she was, so she left me alone.
This was within my first few hours in Italy.... and I was FREAKING OUT. The good news is that since then, I've had no scary encounters at all - and no one has tried to pick-pocket me. Then again, I am wearing a secure money belt, a knife-proof purse, and a fat life insurance policy...
And then the trip got hard. After all these travel delays, finally reached my train destination... and the doors were BROKEN. Carrying two bags of luggage behind me, I SPRINTED through the train shouting, "Me scuzi! Me scuzi!" I threw the bags off the car and held the train doors open long enough for the rest of my family to leap off the train.
And then the trip got REALLY hard. Because my hotel is at the top of a mountain. Remember that Simpsons bit with the first convenience store in the world, and Homer notes, "This isn't very convenient." This hotel is like that. Had to drag two bags of luggage, my laptop bag, my family, a stroller, and my whiny lazy @$$ up the narrow cobblestone street, avoiding racing cars and motorcycles, just to get to there.
Okay - enough whining. Rome since then has been awesome. The hotel is in an out-of-the-way area, very non-touristy. The hotel/apartment that I'm staying in feels like an Italian apartment, with no hotel-like conveniences. Heck, even the toilet is one of those with the pull-down thing, just like the one Michael Corleone hid the handgun behind in the first Godfather movie. This place has lots of friendly locals and is close to the Vatican. We can hear the Vatican church bells in the morning. I like to picture the Pope rolling out of bed and hitting the snooze on the church bells, complaining, "Just five more minutes..."
Though, my one complaint about Rome is the same one as the one about Paris - which is that there are American tourists coming out of the woodwork. It's like there was some unannounced invasion of Italy and we've taken over. I'm now part of an occupying force of American tourists - no sign of any Italians.
A few observations on Rome...
-Visited Trevi Fountain. The story goes that if you throw one coin in, you'll someday return to Rome - two coins in, you'll fall in love in Rome - three coins in and you'll marry a Roman. So I borrowed three coins from my wife and threw them in... see, she didn't find that joke funny either. I found it HYSTERICAL and I'm sure my new Roman wife will agree with me. At least I hope it's a wife. They never actually SAID that you would marry a Roman of the opposite sex. I don't want to marry a Roman dude. Though, it would serve me right, wouldn't it?
-Visited the Vatican. St. Peter's Basilica has a dress code - the rule being that it's a church, so you have to wear something that would be conservatively appropriate for church. So while you're waiting in line to get in, it's SO MUCH FUN to watch angry people walking back in the opposite direction - people who stood in line, didn't read the signs or chose to ignore them, and then get turned away for dressing like skanks. The dude in the wife-beater? Turned away - the expressions on his parents' faces were priceless. Then there were the three Hilton sisters who looked like they just got off of Miami Beach. There's something hysterically awesome about trying to get into church when your sunglasses cover more skin than your pants. Finally, saw one woman walking around in the church wearing two "Roma" shawls - one wrapped over her shoulders, one wrapped around her legs. She'd tried to get into the church wearing the equivalent of a Brazilian bikini, then bought two touristy "Roma" shawls from the street salesmen to wrap herself up and get past the dress code. Good for her - she has more ingenuity than reading skills.
-Visited the Sistine Chapel. Holy smokes - it's gorgeous, but it better be after the effort it takes to get there. You can imagine the most evil interrogator in some secret Eastern European water-boarding center telling Dick Cheney, "Let's crank up the temperature and humidity, then make them walk around shoulder to shoulder with thousands of smelly tourists for hours and hours in an enclosed place." Even the most hardened man would crack under this kind of torture. Torture with tour guides and headsets. Interestingly enough, while we were inside the Sistine Chapel, a FIRE ALARM went off. Some people left, leaving more room for us to enjoy it... until the security staff closed the doors and forced us to leave. Man, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - that Vatican City fire marshal is a real #$#@! So now I can say that I've gone through a Sistine Chapel fire drill.
-The food is AWESOME. Someone told me that in Rome, every meal you have is the greatest meal you've ever had. He was right.
-Internet. The net is down at my hotel, so I went to the local internet cafe... which is CLOSED on weekends. Ugh, what do the teens do on weekends? Anyways, so I'm typing this from an internet cafe a million miles from my hotel. Hope you never have to type anything on an Italian keyboard. There are like a dozen shift keys on this thing.
-The ads. Italian television ads are awesome - and I'm not just talking about the suntan lotion ads. Saw a television ad that showed the aftermath of a horrific car accident, with a shattered car overturned in the middle of the street and devastation everywhere. As a voice over explained the importance of safe driving, an injured man starts to slowly crawl out of the overturned car... then out of nowhere, another speeding car SLAMS into the overturned car. Okay - I know what they were going for and I admire the creativity behind it, but man, did it have the wrong intended effect. The other ads I've noticed are the buses with billboards for American television shows. The Simpsons billboard had me chuckle, and the Battlestar Galactica billboard surprised me. But the Sopranos billboard had me on the floor laughing. What do you suppose the Italians think of the Sopranos? And do you think they love it more than the French love Dora?
More updates to come.
While I didn't want to go to Paris just to eat fast food, for lunch one day, we ended up at the McDonald's next to the Louvre. Since it was nice out, we grabbed McDonald's and had a picnic in the Jardin de Tuilieres. Now, I read a travel book that suggested trying to stop in a fast food joint while in Europe, not to order a Big Mac, but to order something off the menu that they only have in the country you're in. So if you're me and you're in McDonald's in Europe, what do you order? Of course - Royale with Cheese. Thank you, Quentin Tarantino. When I saw that on the menu, that's it, I had to try one. I ended up ordering the Royale Deluxe, which is just like a Quarter Pounder, but with a honey mustard mayonnaise. They also gave me mayonnaise for my fries - then to complete my French Pulp Fiction moment, I re-enacted the scene with Uma Thurman and the syringe...
Something about Paris you might not know, but French people LOVE Dora the Explorer. It goes Jerry Lewis, Woody Allen, and Dora the Explorer. Got to watch Dora the Explorer on French television, saw some guy walking down Rue de Montparnasse carrying an enormous Dora the Explorer toy play-set, and I counted at least two Dora the Explorer car sunshades on the way to the airport. So let it be known - the French love Dora the Explorer.
But they think Diego is a little @%&#.
The Eugene World Tour moves on. Next stop - Italy! Got to Charles De Gaulle airport three hours before my flight, and then got told that I was TOO EARLY to check-in because the staff wouldn't get there for another hour. Never had that happen before. Then the flight from Paris was delayed by two hours and there was another one hour delay for the luggage in Rome - and if it sounds like fun, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. Fun like a gun to the head. Not the best way to start this leg of the trip. Then again, the Italians are known for their laid back attitudes towards timeliness. So maybe that 11:15am flight means 11:15-ISH. In that case, the flight wasn't delayed - it was just taking its time.
Now here's the point that I admit that I was scared about coming to Rome. Every tourist guide you read about Rome starts off like this, "Rome is a city of PICK-POCKETS, GYPSIES, GANGS - BUY A SECURE MONEY BELT, A KNIFE-PROOF PURSE, AND LIFE INSURANCE." Needless to say, I was a little worried. The common suggestion is to try to not look like a tourist, but looking like I do, I was TERRIFIED that I wouldn't fit in. Can you imagine some gang of roving knife-wielding gypsies seeing me? "Look! It's one of them there Asian-Americans with hair-highlights and Dockers pants. That must mean he's rich! Let's get him!"
Now a friend told me that exaggerating Rome's reputation for thieves is the only way to warn ignorant tourists not to let themselves be easy targets. I was hoping he was right.
I got off the plane and walked through the Rome Fiumicino airport without being attacked. So far - so good. Then got on the train. Again, nothing out of the ordinary. Then got off the first train to connect to the next train - had to buy a ticket. First, got hassled by the scariest homeless guy I'd ever seen (until the next one I saw - needless to say ALL homeless guys look like they're from the Robin Williams-school of over-acting...) - then while waiting to buy a ticket, I got grabbed by the arm by this mentally-ill pregnant woman, shouting at me in Italian. I kinda blurted out, "non parlo inglese!" I meant to say that I didn't speak Italian, but in my scared state, it came out that I didn't speak English. Presumably, she thought I was crazier than she was, so she left me alone.
This was within my first few hours in Italy.... and I was FREAKING OUT. The good news is that since then, I've had no scary encounters at all - and no one has tried to pick-pocket me. Then again, I am wearing a secure money belt, a knife-proof purse, and a fat life insurance policy...
And then the trip got hard. After all these travel delays, finally reached my train destination... and the doors were BROKEN. Carrying two bags of luggage behind me, I SPRINTED through the train shouting, "Me scuzi! Me scuzi!" I threw the bags off the car and held the train doors open long enough for the rest of my family to leap off the train.
And then the trip got REALLY hard. Because my hotel is at the top of a mountain. Remember that Simpsons bit with the first convenience store in the world, and Homer notes, "This isn't very convenient." This hotel is like that. Had to drag two bags of luggage, my laptop bag, my family, a stroller, and my whiny lazy @$$ up the narrow cobblestone street, avoiding racing cars and motorcycles, just to get to there.
Okay - enough whining. Rome since then has been awesome. The hotel is in an out-of-the-way area, very non-touristy. The hotel/apartment that I'm staying in feels like an Italian apartment, with no hotel-like conveniences. Heck, even the toilet is one of those with the pull-down thing, just like the one Michael Corleone hid the handgun behind in the first Godfather movie. This place has lots of friendly locals and is close to the Vatican. We can hear the Vatican church bells in the morning. I like to picture the Pope rolling out of bed and hitting the snooze on the church bells, complaining, "Just five more minutes..."
Though, my one complaint about Rome is the same one as the one about Paris - which is that there are American tourists coming out of the woodwork. It's like there was some unannounced invasion of Italy and we've taken over. I'm now part of an occupying force of American tourists - no sign of any Italians.
A few observations on Rome...
-Visited Trevi Fountain. The story goes that if you throw one coin in, you'll someday return to Rome - two coins in, you'll fall in love in Rome - three coins in and you'll marry a Roman. So I borrowed three coins from my wife and threw them in... see, she didn't find that joke funny either. I found it HYSTERICAL and I'm sure my new Roman wife will agree with me. At least I hope it's a wife. They never actually SAID that you would marry a Roman of the opposite sex. I don't want to marry a Roman dude. Though, it would serve me right, wouldn't it?
-Visited the Vatican. St. Peter's Basilica has a dress code - the rule being that it's a church, so you have to wear something that would be conservatively appropriate for church. So while you're waiting in line to get in, it's SO MUCH FUN to watch angry people walking back in the opposite direction - people who stood in line, didn't read the signs or chose to ignore them, and then get turned away for dressing like skanks. The dude in the wife-beater? Turned away - the expressions on his parents' faces were priceless. Then there were the three Hilton sisters who looked like they just got off of Miami Beach. There's something hysterically awesome about trying to get into church when your sunglasses cover more skin than your pants. Finally, saw one woman walking around in the church wearing two "Roma" shawls - one wrapped over her shoulders, one wrapped around her legs. She'd tried to get into the church wearing the equivalent of a Brazilian bikini, then bought two touristy "Roma" shawls from the street salesmen to wrap herself up and get past the dress code. Good for her - she has more ingenuity than reading skills.
-Visited the Sistine Chapel. Holy smokes - it's gorgeous, but it better be after the effort it takes to get there. You can imagine the most evil interrogator in some secret Eastern European water-boarding center telling Dick Cheney, "Let's crank up the temperature and humidity, then make them walk around shoulder to shoulder with thousands of smelly tourists for hours and hours in an enclosed place." Even the most hardened man would crack under this kind of torture. Torture with tour guides and headsets. Interestingly enough, while we were inside the Sistine Chapel, a FIRE ALARM went off. Some people left, leaving more room for us to enjoy it... until the security staff closed the doors and forced us to leave. Man, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - that Vatican City fire marshal is a real #$#@! So now I can say that I've gone through a Sistine Chapel fire drill.
-The food is AWESOME. Someone told me that in Rome, every meal you have is the greatest meal you've ever had. He was right.
-Internet. The net is down at my hotel, so I went to the local internet cafe... which is CLOSED on weekends. Ugh, what do the teens do on weekends? Anyways, so I'm typing this from an internet cafe a million miles from my hotel. Hope you never have to type anything on an Italian keyboard. There are like a dozen shift keys on this thing.
-The ads. Italian television ads are awesome - and I'm not just talking about the suntan lotion ads. Saw a television ad that showed the aftermath of a horrific car accident, with a shattered car overturned in the middle of the street and devastation everywhere. As a voice over explained the importance of safe driving, an injured man starts to slowly crawl out of the overturned car... then out of nowhere, another speeding car SLAMS into the overturned car. Okay - I know what they were going for and I admire the creativity behind it, but man, did it have the wrong intended effect. The other ads I've noticed are the buses with billboards for American television shows. The Simpsons billboard had me chuckle, and the Battlestar Galactica billboard surprised me. But the Sopranos billboard had me on the floor laughing. What do you suppose the Italians think of the Sopranos? And do you think they love it more than the French love Dora?
More updates to come.
posted by Eugene at 8:20 AM
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