The Good Old Hockey Game
Played in a fun ice hockey game Friday night in Burbank. I don't know how best to tell the story, so I'm going to let the two sides of my ego - GOOD EUGENE and EVIL EUGENE - tell the story. Take it away guys.
GOOD EUGENE: Thanks. Nice to be here.
EVIL EUGENE: @#$# it. What up, losers?
GOOD EUGENE: So I played in an ice hockey game Friday night. Not a lot of players were able to make it.
EVIL EUGENE: I showed up just in time to save the day.
GOOD EUGENE: Actually, I was late and barely made it in time. Which no one seemed to mind, because there were only seven skaters total. Lots of ice time for everybody - we all got REALLY tired and we fell behind early.
EVIL EUGENE: Then I grabbed the rebound in the center of the crease, held onto it with people all over me, didn't panic, drifted a long step to the right out of the goalie's reach, and then SHELFED it where he couldn't reach it. Goal scorer's patience. Pure Eugene.
GOOD EUGENE: Actually, Lenny did all the work, skating and stick-handling. Everyone went to him as he shot it. The goalie stopped the shot and poked it towards me, but the puck kept going. In a state of pure panic, I was standing in front of an empty net and saw the puck drifting away. I screamed, "Oh @#$#!" and lunged, barely able to keep the puck from getting away and barely wristed it past the goalie's glove.
EVIL EUGENE: I liked my version better.
Anyways, we're down 2-1 entering the third. After a quick turnover, I drive to the front of the net. A teammate digs the puck out against the left boards and flings it through the slot. I spin, stick out my stick, and backhand deflect the puck - it hits the inside of the right post and in. CLANK! Tie game. And Eugene's just getting started.
GOOD EUGENE: Um, actually, I was trying to STOP the puck with my backhand - but the pass came so hard that I lost control of it. It deflected off my backhand and fluttered slowly towards the goalpost. It hit the right goalpost, bounced off the back of the goalie's left skate, and then barely over the line. The one ref was laughing at me, telling me that he'd never seen slower shot than that one. It counted, but it was total luck.
EVIL EUGENE: Again, I prefer my version.
Anyways, it's tied 2-2, third period. I'm against the left side of the boards forechecking when a teammate manages to pop the puck loose in the left face-off circle. I grab the puck and step forward towards the net - a teammate streaks to the center and the defenseman stops, wanting to cut off the pass. I step into the slot, stick handle once to freeze the goalie, and then RIP a wicked wrist shot - high glove side, up and over, CLANK off the post, and IN. We're up 3-2. EUGENE HAT TRICK.
GOOD EUGENE: Um, that one's actually accurate. The third goal was pretty cool. I let myself celebrate that one.
EVIL EUGENE: But the game's still close. It's 4-3, still in the third, when Lenny steals the puck and breaks down the right side. I drive to the front on my off-wing, turning it into a two-on-one break. Lenny centers it - I stop the puck and then do a Michael Camalleri-style kneeling slapshot. Hard shot goes against the grain and SLAMS past the goalie, low glove side. Goal #4! Eugene on fire.
GOOD EUGENE: Yeah. In actuality, I couldn't stop the puck cleanly on my backhand - so I ended up stopping my skating. Since I was at a complete standstill with all my momentum buckling me forward, I just put my head down and slapshot it, just before I fell to the ice. I had no idea where I shot it - it just happened to go in.
EVIL EUGENE: You know, Good Eugene? You're really annoying. I did score 4 goals! Against a previous undefeated team! And I picked up a nasty high sticking penalty!
GOOD EUGENE: You mean when the stick accidentally rode up that guy's arm and hit his helmet? That penalty was an accident - just like three of the four goals.
EVIL EUGENE: Says you.
GOOD EUGENE: Which is you.
EVIL EUGENE: Shaddup. I scored four goals. I'm going to tell everybody on earth about it.
GOOD EUGENE: You do that. Since it's never ever going to happen again.
EVIL EUGENE: I hate you, Good Eugene.
GOOD EUGENE: You and me both.
EVIL EUGENE: I'm so going to punch you in the stomach when you're asleep...
GOOD EUGENE: Thanks. Nice to be here.
EVIL EUGENE: @#$# it. What up, losers?
GOOD EUGENE: So I played in an ice hockey game Friday night. Not a lot of players were able to make it.
EVIL EUGENE: I showed up just in time to save the day.
GOOD EUGENE: Actually, I was late and barely made it in time. Which no one seemed to mind, because there were only seven skaters total. Lots of ice time for everybody - we all got REALLY tired and we fell behind early.
EVIL EUGENE: Then I grabbed the rebound in the center of the crease, held onto it with people all over me, didn't panic, drifted a long step to the right out of the goalie's reach, and then SHELFED it where he couldn't reach it. Goal scorer's patience. Pure Eugene.
GOOD EUGENE: Actually, Lenny did all the work, skating and stick-handling. Everyone went to him as he shot it. The goalie stopped the shot and poked it towards me, but the puck kept going. In a state of pure panic, I was standing in front of an empty net and saw the puck drifting away. I screamed, "Oh @#$#!" and lunged, barely able to keep the puck from getting away and barely wristed it past the goalie's glove.
EVIL EUGENE: I liked my version better.
Anyways, we're down 2-1 entering the third. After a quick turnover, I drive to the front of the net. A teammate digs the puck out against the left boards and flings it through the slot. I spin, stick out my stick, and backhand deflect the puck - it hits the inside of the right post and in. CLANK! Tie game. And Eugene's just getting started.
GOOD EUGENE: Um, actually, I was trying to STOP the puck with my backhand - but the pass came so hard that I lost control of it. It deflected off my backhand and fluttered slowly towards the goalpost. It hit the right goalpost, bounced off the back of the goalie's left skate, and then barely over the line. The one ref was laughing at me, telling me that he'd never seen slower shot than that one. It counted, but it was total luck.
EVIL EUGENE: Again, I prefer my version.
Anyways, it's tied 2-2, third period. I'm against the left side of the boards forechecking when a teammate manages to pop the puck loose in the left face-off circle. I grab the puck and step forward towards the net - a teammate streaks to the center and the defenseman stops, wanting to cut off the pass. I step into the slot, stick handle once to freeze the goalie, and then RIP a wicked wrist shot - high glove side, up and over, CLANK off the post, and IN. We're up 3-2. EUGENE HAT TRICK.
GOOD EUGENE: Um, that one's actually accurate. The third goal was pretty cool. I let myself celebrate that one.
EVIL EUGENE: But the game's still close. It's 4-3, still in the third, when Lenny steals the puck and breaks down the right side. I drive to the front on my off-wing, turning it into a two-on-one break. Lenny centers it - I stop the puck and then do a Michael Camalleri-style kneeling slapshot. Hard shot goes against the grain and SLAMS past the goalie, low glove side. Goal #4! Eugene on fire.
GOOD EUGENE: Yeah. In actuality, I couldn't stop the puck cleanly on my backhand - so I ended up stopping my skating. Since I was at a complete standstill with all my momentum buckling me forward, I just put my head down and slapshot it, just before I fell to the ice. I had no idea where I shot it - it just happened to go in.
EVIL EUGENE: You know, Good Eugene? You're really annoying. I did score 4 goals! Against a previous undefeated team! And I picked up a nasty high sticking penalty!
GOOD EUGENE: You mean when the stick accidentally rode up that guy's arm and hit his helmet? That penalty was an accident - just like three of the four goals.
EVIL EUGENE: Says you.
GOOD EUGENE: Which is you.
EVIL EUGENE: Shaddup. I scored four goals. I'm going to tell everybody on earth about it.
GOOD EUGENE: You do that. Since it's never ever going to happen again.
EVIL EUGENE: I hate you, Good Eugene.
GOOD EUGENE: You and me both.
EVIL EUGENE: I'm so going to punch you in the stomach when you're asleep...
posted by Eugene at 2:41 PM
4 Comments:
Wow, I can't make it and you have a Texas hat trick.....
What was the final score?? - Jon
6-4.
Just wait until you hear his legendary, profanity laden, between-period tirade.
You will find yourself taking a penalty and going to the box just to get some peace and quiet.
That said, I've never had a Texas hattie, myself.
My old profanity-laden tirades... Ah, good times.
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