Where is the Spam?

I've seen other blogs where the comments fields are littered with spam posts - links to male enhancement pills, online casinos, pirated computer software, mortgage refinance services, etc.

Does anyone remember when all the spam was porn? Am I the only one who misses the good ole days when spam was just pictures of naked women? It appears that the spammers have found ways to obnoxiously make money online without having to resort to pornography, and it may just be me, but I think the world is a poorer place because of it.

In all seriousness, I was expecting some spam in my blog comments. Instead, I've gotten contacted by a friend from college, a friend from high school, and a friend from elementary school. The blog comments have led me to connect with friends I haven't spoken to in years.

Which, I suppose in its own charming way, is cooler than a link to a shady online poker site run from the Cayman Islands...

Because Timmy threatened me

Instead of whoring out my own accomplishments, I'll change up the pace and whore out my buddies' accomplishments.

A new web comic - Sunday at 10

If you only read one web comic this year, read Penny Arcade. But if you read TWO, read Sunday at 10.

The First Rule of Blog Club

When I started this blog, I wasn't sure what it was going to be like. I knew it wasn't going to be a collection of links to interesting things I found online. I knew it wasn't going to be editorials about politics. And god forbid, I knew the blog wasn't going to be a diary of, "Today, I found a gray hair growing on my stomach."

I kinda thought that the blog would be about my life as a working writer. You know, stories about who I met with, what I was working on, things I heard about around town. Because I think people would be interested in hearing about the talented people I get to hang out and work with. The problem is that talking about work would violate the first rule of Blog Club - never talk about your current work because what you say can (and will) come back to haunt you. And it just isn't the same if I have to self-censor. Watch-

Two weeks ago, I had lunch in Sherman Oaks with (amazingly talented animation writer friend) at (Asian restaurant). It hasn't been officially announced yet, but (amazingly talented animation writer friend) is working on (new animated television series). While at lunch, we ran into (another amazingly talented animation writer) and (amazingly talented animation director). The three of them had all worked together on (ridiculously cool and wildly successful animated series), so they invited us to join them. For lunch, I ordered the fried rice with (meat) and a Diet (drink).

See what I mean? Not very interesting, is it? So talking about current work is pretty much out of the question.

I can talk about work I've already done. But with animation, the lag time is enormous before the work gets aired. The episodes of the show I wrote for 4Kids last year still haven't been officially announced yet, so I can't talk about them yet. When they come closer to air, I'll talk about them. But until then - they can't be a subject for the blog.

A few of my buddies write great blogs where they talk about interesting stories that happen to them during the day. I don't want to do that - mostly because my interesting stories end up as jokes/gags/plots in scripts that I write.... SURE, Eugene. The truth is that I don't have any interesting stories.

Which leaves me with rants and essays about Asian fruit and Womens' log rolling.

I never intended for my blog to become a holding tank for unfunny essays - but that's all I've got. I'm going to try and branch out and try some other things. If you have any suggestions, feel free to use the comments and make some suggestions.

Now about that hair I found on my stomach...

These are a few of my favorite things...

Thanks to the programming minds at ESPN, who manage to fill in a whole 24 hours of programming each day, I've found myself broadening my mind and watching and appreciating new sports.

I'd still rather be watching NHL hockey - but thanks to ESPN, it's now got some competition.

WOMENS' LOG-ROLLING

Every summer, ESPN airs the "Outdoor Games" - with sports like climbing trees, chopping down trees. Um, some other stuff with trees. And cute cuddly dogs catching frisbees.

But the best part of the Outdoor Games is the sport of womens' log rolling. They set up logs in a waist-deep pool, the women get on, and try to spin the log and knock off their opponent. The loser ends up falling into the pool - usually just waist-deep. But if the match goes really well, the loser falls into the water horizontally - getting completely soaked from head-to-toe. Many of the women are from Wisconsin, for some reason - and several of them are sisters.

Now if you think I'm only a fan of womens' log rolling because I like watching women getting soaked in water, you'd only be PARTIALLY right. Because I think ALL sports would be infinitely more entertaining if the loser got dunked with water.

Imagine the cornerback who falls down and lets the wide receiver catch the game-winning touchdown - then the coach immediately throws him into a swimming pool. The center who gets dunked on by Shaquille O'Neal - then Shaq gets to stuff the 7' center into a 4' bathtub. The guy who misses the cut at a golf tournament gets chucked into a water hazard. The San Francisco Giants baseball pitcher who gives up the home run gets thrown into McCovey's Cove.

You see? The water makes the agony of defeat much more delicious. I won't even describe what water humiliation could do for the Winter Olympics.

I could do without all the other sports in the Outdoor Games. But forget what Lloyd Dobler tells you - the sport of the future is Womens' Log Rolling. Which leads me to my other favorite sport on ESPN.

LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL

Normally I can't watch a whole baseball game on TV. There's just no charm in it - the batters constantly calling for time, then fouling off nine or ten pitches before grounding out to the first baseman, my breaking the television set trying to throw the remote at Tim McCarver or Joe Morgan. But Little League is totally different.

First off, these kids are just so happy to be there. They're goofy and you know that they're loving all the perks of being in the limelight. A game played in front of ESPN cameras, while all their friends and family get to see them on television. A stadium with cheering and screaming fans. And after the game, all the action from all the skanky 9 and 10 year-old girls who just want to sidle up with a Little Leaguer... okay, I'm making that last part up. But wouldn't it be funny if it was true?

I also love how the ESPN graphics show the kid's favorite baseball player. So you see a lot of players and think it's awfully cute that he's got a favorite player, like Albert Pujols or Vlad Guerrero. But then some kid comes up to bat and you see that his favorite baseball player is some untalented shlub. Either that kid has some really low standards for heroes or he's too busy throwing his remote at McCarver or Morgan to watch baseball on TV.

But most of all, and I have to be careful how I say this so I don't look like a heartless jerk, but I love how the kids cry. And the ESPN directors try their best to show some restraint, but it's really hard to resist when you see a kid with tears streaming down his face because he gave up a home run. Or a kid who collapses into a heap and tries to use his batting gloves to soak away the tears. You can hear the directors thinking out loud, "But this is the human condition! It's drama! I have to show the kid crying on national tv so all his friends and family back home and heartless jerk bloggers nationwide can see it!"

If ESPN really wants to humiliate these kids even further, instead of just showing them crying, throw these kids in the log-rolling pool. Hey, I'd watch it.

Amazon Linky Link

At some point in the future, I'm sure I'm going to have stuff of mine at Amazon.com, so I signed up to have a referrer account with Amazon.com. I should've waited, since I just got an email asking me why I hadn't started making links. To make Amazon happy, I just needed to pick something off Amazon's site and link to it, so I grabbed a Duel Masters deck of cards.

Duel Masters Evo-Crushinators of Doom

Isn't that awesome? I get to write something that involves "Evo-Crushinators of Doom". Not just a regular old boring vanilla plain white bread "Evo-Crushinator" - but an "Evo-Crushinator of DOOM!"

I love my job.

Pop Quiz, Married Guys

These are the types of hypothetical situations that they should teach in high school. But seeing as people can't seem to agree on what they should teach in school, I guess I'll have to settle for teaching here. Roleplay along.

You sit at home by yourself eating fine cuisine (microwave pizza) and educating yourself and broadening your horizons (watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials on E!). The phone rings - the caller I.D. clearly identifies that it is a friend of your wife's.

Do you A) answer the phone and pleasantly chit-chat? Or B) let the answering machine answer, knowing full well that you're not interested in or capable of pleasantly chit-chatting?

Pencils down. The correct answer is A! I know I know. You mean guys are supposed interrupt pizza and Girls Gone Wild to talk to their wife's friend? Confusing isn't it? But trust me. Disregard all the male instincts which guide you through your day - you MUST answer the phone and chit-chat.

But you ask, how do you know this stuff, oh wise Eugene? It cannot be taught - it must be learned. Stay tuned to this blog for future relationship advice.

What do you think Miss Manners would say if I told her about the advice I'm giving out? I think she'd probably call me a pig and pepper spray me.

"Us Like to Move it! Move it!"

Cameron Crowe is a filmmaker, screenwriter, and personal deity to this particular bloggy writer. Crowe keeps mix tapes of his favorite songs from each particular month of every year. When he listens to an old tape, it brings back memories of what that music meant to him at that point in his life. An audio diary of sorts.

So I'm going to try to regularly list what iTunes says are the most popular songs that I've played in the past few weeks. These aren't just current songs - a lot are older songs that I've just discovered or re-discovered.

If I can do this like Cameron Crowe, then maybe I can write as well as Cameron Crowe. And while I'm dreaming in fantasyland, I'd like a pony.

July 2005 (in no particular order)

Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) - The Killers
Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
Radio Ga Ga - Queen
F*** the Pain Away - Peaches
Collide - Howie Day
Monkey Gone to Heaven - Pixies
Fix You - Coldplay
Handbags & Gladrags - Stereophonics
Cut Here (Acoustic) - The Cure
Hate It or Leave It - The Game & 50 Cent
Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz
I Like To Move It - Eric Morillo and Sacha Baron Cohen

Props to Toon Writers

Caught this in Harry Knowles' review of the film, Sky High:

Having TV toon writers behind the scenes... well it could be genius. Writers of cartoons are the single most denigrated area of writers in the industry. Studios, not usually known for writer respect, tend to shrug these guys off as sub-humans, but I've often felt that if you were wanting to make perfect family films bristling with untethered imagination. These "cartoon writers" could do it. If you take the really fun animated series on TV – these guys and gals that write them are under such a strict set of rule systems that writing PG feels like you were set free.

Damn. Harry couldn't have hit the nail anymore on the head without Standards and Practices coming down on him for imitate-able behavior.

Toon writers so rarely get noticed, let alone congratulated. Hope this is the beginning of a trend.

It's Not Easy Being Yellow

Get me the biggest, baddest soap box you've got, because I have a rant about the nature of cultural and racial politics. Much of modern cultural and racial discourse has become arguing over who is the big victim in any situation. It's called lots of things, but I learned it as the "culture of victimization" - and I want in. It looks like fun. Watch this.

I'm a straight male and I'm a victim! I will band together with my fellow straight males and we will fight the oppressive majority!

Awesome, isn't it? I feel empowered already. Okay, seriously, my rant is not about victimization. It's about money. Because as you know, next to breathing, hoarding and whoring for money are the most important things I do in my life.

Yesterday, I went to the local supermarket to buy some fruit. I know I know - totally out of character for me, but it's true. I was craving fruit. If this isn't proof positive that I'm now an old old man, then it was probably the crippling chest pains from trying to eat my fourth fried twinkie yesterday that made me re-assess my opinion of occasionally eating the odd piece of fruit.

So I buy a bag of apples - 9 apples for $2.50. Then I see that this supermarket carries Asian Pears. Also called apple pears, they have the consistency and texture of an apple, but the sweetness of a pear. Seeing as I'm Asian and grew up eating these things, I was prepared to buy some - but I wasn't prepared for the cost. 3 Asian pears for $5.25.

This isn't the first case of Asian sticker-shock I've ever dealt with. After I graduated from college, I decided that I should have something Korean in my apartment. My girlfriend and I went down to a Korean gift shop. My original thought was to buy some of the Korean throw pillows for the living room. As a kid, those throw pillows were fun to play with - and when guests came over, they made comfy chairs. But I discovered that a set of four pillows was around $200. So much for the pillows. I ended up buying a pair of Korean macrame with the mounting scroll, and it still set me back a lot more than I wanted.

Which begs the question. Why is it so damn expensive being Asian?

$5.25 for three Asian pears? Why is the Asian fruit six times more expensive than the non-Asian fruit? Why are Asian pillows ten times more expensive than non-Asian pillows? Why are the Asian hookers two times more expensive to get to go home with you than non-Asian hookers? I'll tell you why. Well, not about the Asian hooker part - I made that part up.

Seriously. Stop it. This isn't about me. This is about the issue. No, I don't know who that girl is. No, the baby's not mine - Maury Povich said so. I'm not on trial here. My hooker habits are not a topic here.

My point is - being Asian is expensive. And it's not like Asians have any money (not THIS Asian, anyways), so this cost-of-being-Asian hits the Asian community (namely, me!) quite hard. I don't know why it's this way, but I'm pretty certain that as an Asian, I'm being victimized. And I will band together with my fellow fiscally-challenged Asians and we will fight the oppressive majority.

So I don't want to hear from other minorities, "We're being denied our civil rights" or "My people are being killed" or "God deliver us from evil." Save it. BECAUSE I JUST PAID $1.75 FOR A @#$#-ING PIECE OF FRUIT! WHO'S THE REAL VICTIM HERE?!?

By the way, I'm not just ranting about the problem. I'm doing something about it. I'm planting a dozen Asian pear trees in my backyard. Once these things grow and bear fruit, I can retire to the beach front mansion I so richly deserve. Forget stocks, bonds, real estate, marrying a ketchup heiress, or other traditional investments. It's clear to me that the future is in Asian fruit trees.

Got my mind on hockey and hockey on my mind

It figures that I'm suddenly busy again. Apologies for avoiding my bloggerly duties and responsibilities.

Just one quick note. As a diehard hockey fan, it is REALLY HARD to keep my mind on my work at the moment. Free agency season in the post-lockout NHL opened on Monday and it's been a feeding frenzy of player movement and blockbuster trades. A puck orgy, if you will. Every few minutes, I get an email telling me that another superstar hockey player has signed with a new team, and every time my Eudora tells me I have new mail, I wonder if my favorite team has signed someone new. And with every signing or trade - even if it's an insignificant "Gubash Lorvendorker, RW, who scored 0 goals in 820 games in the East Manitoba Beer League" - I have to run and log onto all the hockey boards, read the fan reactions to the signing, make fun of the Toronto Maple Leaf fans, and think admiring thoughts of TSN's Bob McKenzie - greatest McKenzie to ever come out of Canada. All of which put me even further behind in my work.

I can tell I'm boring the non-hockey watching public (which is nearly everybody), so I'll get back to work. Wish me luck, eh?