All These Things That I've Done (in 2005)

If you've ever been in my office, I have childhood toys and posters and comic books everywhere. Next to my computer, I keep up a bunch of things that I had hanging in my college dorm room - pictures and clippings that inspired me back then to want to be a writer. I don't think of myself as a particularly nostalgic person, but in reality, I'm about as big a wuss as you can get about getting attached to the past.

So it's the end of 2005 and I felt like I should write something the year past - especially those events that took place before I started this blog. But I won't. This New Year's, I don't feel like reflecting or dwelling on the past. I feel like looking forward. Looking for the next big thing. The next challenge. The newest experience.

Time, Truth, and Heart
-The Killers, All These Things That I've Done

This New Year's, I wish everybody some time, truth, and heart. See you in 2006.

Eye Thickness

Got back from the eye doctor. My eye doctor saw something in the last visit that had him concerned that I might be seeing the onset of early glaucoma, so he scheduled another appointment to check my corneas. Without getting technical, thin corneas would be a warning sign that I was in trouble. Thankfully, it's highly unlikely that I have anything to worry about, as today's check of my corneal thickness revealed that my corneas are thick.

THICK.

Is there anything about me that ISN'T thick? You could use the word "thick" to describe just about any part of me. Eugene's head? Thick. Eugene's neck? Thick. Eugene's stomach, thighs, calves? Thick, thick, thick. Eugene's sense of self-deprecating melodrama? Thick.

Now apparently, my corneas are thick. Is that a good thing? Will people be impressed? Will car salesmen give me mad respect because of my corneas? Could I use my corneas to impress the women? "Hey there, my cornea thickness is 583. Can I buy you a drink?"

Which brings up another question. Do Asians have thicker eyes? I mean, our eyes have less surface area to cover than round eyes. The flaps are folded over - maybe Asian eyes are folded over a couple times? Maybe it's some sort of evolutionary design that Asian eyes are narrow and thick?

The important thing is that I'm not going blind. I guess it's good to be thick.

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

Holiday greetings to all.

"Have a merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a kwazy Kwanzaa, a tip top Tet, and solemn and dignified Ramadan. Now a word from MY god - our sponsor."
-Krusty the Clown in the The Simpsons Grift of the Magi, written by Tom Martin

"Merry New Year!"
-Billy Ray Valentine in Trading Places, written by Timothy Harris and Herschel Weingrod

I'm No Handyman

Scott "Dilbert" Adams has an essay where he argues that the evolutionary ideal of a man is changing. While it used to be that the most desirable male mate was the one powerful enough to kill the most buffalo for food, the new most desirable male mate is now the one powerful enough to troubleshoot spreadsheets in Microsoft Excel.

I wish that were true and that I never had to kill a buffalo to impress the ladies. But there's something important about men and their ability to fix things. In the past week, I've had two experiences that should have been incredibly easy.

But this is me we're talking about. Anything "incredibly easy" - by my definition - must cause pain and suffering.



I found a great price on a cheap-o two-piece Easton graphite composite. The shaft arrived mail-order - I just needed to put the wooden hockey blade in. The obstacle stopping me - a black plastic plug stuck at the end of the shaft. I yanked and pulled and tried pliers - it wouldn't come out.

Then it hit me. Is it GLUED in? So I heated the end of the shaft and tried to pull the plug out. Sure enough - POP! It came out... covered in glue, which melted and dripped all over the place. Fortunately, none of the burning hot glue landed on me. After I cleaned up all the glue and threw away the plug, putting the stick blade into the shaft was a snap. I held the stick up high and admired my work... when I realized that I'd put the blade in BACKWARDS...

It was a tiny thing. No big deal if it's in backwards. Nobody knows.... except for ME. But since I know, I obsessed over it for hours - then ended up reheating the shaft, removing the blade, and putting it back in right.



Next up, the iPod. I have a second-hand 2nd generation iPod - an old 10 gb model that I bought off of Ebay a few years ago and it's been rock solid for me over the years. The only problem with it has been that the battery has been holding less and less of a charge. But a replacement iPod battery kit promised 12-16 hours of power for my iPod - and it came with a non-scratch tool.

Using the non-scratch tool, I managed to lightly scratch the screen. Then trying to pry the back off, the iPod innards got STUCK to the inside of the back, so it wouldn't come out. Then the headphone jack at the top of the iPod got stuck inside the front of the case. Then the non-scratch tool scratched my left hand, gouging out a piece out of my left ring-finger.

After the bleeding stopped and I had said enough curse words to keep me in Purgatory for a good long time, I snapped the iPod back together and tried to run the tool through it again. This time, I managed to get the non-scratch tool where it was supposed to - in the iPod - and pried the back off in one swift move. Replacing the actual battery was two seconds of work, as was replacing the back of the iPod.

So for those keeping track at home, time needed to open the iPod? 20-25 minutes. Time needed to replace the battery and close it? 5-6 seconds.

I realize that there's something manly about a guy who can build and fix things. And for a guy who sobbed like a girl when he stabbing himself in the hand and screamed like a baby when nearly scalding himself with burning hot glue, I must say - I feel pretty manly.

No Love for Barbie

From the Associated Press/Yahoo News-

Researchers Find Barbie Is Often Mutilated
"The girls we spoke to see Barbie torture as a legitimate play activity, and see the torture as a 'cool' activity,"

You think maybe these researchers are just MAYBE reading WAY TOO MUCH into these things?

                           LITTLE GIRL
                 Now we will discuss the location of
                 your boyfriend, Ken, and your
                 little sister, Skipper.  

                           BARBIE
                 Never!  I'll die before I give them
                 up!

                           LITTLE GIRL
                 Death?  MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!  We
                 have ways of making you talk!  

                           BARBIE
                 No!  NO!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sometimes these blog posts just write themselves...

Karaoke Advice (and What I Did This Weekend)

Never sing Blame It On The Rain by Milli Vanilli on Karaoke night. It doesn't go well. The song is hilarious for the first verse and first chorus - but the song keeps going and going. By the end, your friends and well wishers are REALLY thankful that the song is over. If you take nothing else from this blog, please learn from my mistake and take this with you.

As you may have guessed, Saturday night, went to a the Wrap Party for the shows Battle B-Daman and Duel Masters. People there included various producers, writers, and voice actors - including Terri O'Malley, Mike Sorich, Charlotte Fullerton, Todd Kendall, Chuck Forbes, Yuri Lowenthal, Brad McDonald, Paul St. Peter, Seth Walter, Bob Bucholz, Eddie Correa, Tranel Bland. And to no one's surprise, the voice actors put on the most amazing karaoke performances.

And while I'm gratuitously name dropping, late Saturday night, went to the housewarming party for animation writer Matt Wilson. - today, I had lunch with animation writers Nicole Dubuc, Thomas Hart, Charlotte Fullerton, and Dean Stefan.

Oh - almost forgot. The biggest reason not to karaoke Milli Vanilli songs? They'll get STUCK IN YOUR HEAD for hours afterwards. And you feel like such a fool. You let her walk away. And you just don't feel the same. Got to blame it on something. Got to blame it on something...

Puck Blog

Some hockey thoughts on a crisp Southern California day...

-This has been my first year as an L.A. Kings Season Ticket holder. It's been fun - especially, since it gives me license to whine more when the team doesn't do well. Before, if I called up the team's offices and left crazed phone messages saying, "Make a trade or fire one of the coaches!" - they'd have called the police on me. Now as a season ticket holder, they HAVE to listen to me and my crazy rants. Season ticket holders have power. "I want one of the player's wives warming my seat for me between periods... or I'M CANCELING MY SEASON TICKETS!"

-So far, I've seen some great things in my section up in the cheap seats this year.

My favorite on-ice moment was against the Colorado Avalanche. It was hat night - everyone who came in was given a free Kings hat, sponsored by McDonald's. The Kings won the game on a late goal by Pavol Demitra - his third goal of the night. HAT TRICK... on HAT NIGHT! Hundreds - maybe even thousands - of the free hats came raining down onto the ice. The Staples Center staff used shovels and wheelbarrows to collect all the hats off the ice - delayed the game for ten minutes.

Several favorite off-ice moments. One has to be during one of the Detroit Red Wings games. There was a tubby Red Wings fan sitting in front of us, 50-ish guy, balding on top, mullet in back, and big beer belly. When the Red Wings scored, he stood up, bellowed "BOO-YAH!", then pretended to shoot a shotgun into the air. When he did it again after the second Red Wings goal, we started laughing. He must have heard us laughing, because he stopped doing it for the rest of the game.

Against the Washington Capitals, there was the guy who stood up to talk to his friend. Hockey etiquette says you don't stand up while the game is going on, because you're blocking people's views. Sure enough, when the guy stood up, he was blocking someone's view. That person yelled, "Sit down! Down in front!" Unfortunately, the stander didn't hear - and the usher wasn't doing his job. So the guy whose view was being blocked crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at him. The stander didn't like that, so he grabbed the paper, glared at the whole section, and threw it back at us. Now it was ON. EVERYONE in Section 315 started taunting that guy - calling him tough guy, yelling at him to sit down, yelling at him to shut up, asking him if he wanted to get beat up by the whole section. At this point, the usher finally stepped in and decided to save the guy.

Also during that Capitals game, there was a guy in a Washington Capitals jersey who was hilarious. When the Caps would score, he'd celebrate, then immediately look around and plead with us not to beat him up.

During the Minnesota Wild game, there was a drunk guy trying to talk smack with the Minnesota goaltender, Manny Fernandez. Several problems with this. One, drunk guy is up in the cheap seats - so there's no WAY that the goaltender is actually hearing what he's saying. Two, drunk guy has no idea who he's trying to talk smack at. He's so far up, he can't read the name on the back of the jersey. So he's yelling, "Hey #35! You @#$#! Hey #35! You @#$#!" A few minutes later, someone tells him that his name is Fernandez. So now drunk guy is shouting, "Hey Fernandez! You @#$#! Fernandez! You #@$#!" Pause. Then indignant that Fernandez hasn't responded, drunk guy shouts, "Hey! I'm TALKING to you!"

-The 2006 U.S. Olympic Hockey team got announced today - which is my excuse to point you to some pictures I took from when I went to Salt Lake City to watch Olympic hockey in 2002.

My 2002 Hockey Trip

-Earlier this year in my NHL pre-season predictions, I said that I wasn't sold yet on Larry Robinson as a head coach. Then today, Larry Robinson retired due to "coaching-related stress." The proverbial broken clock is right twice a day - the Eugene-the-hockey-writer is right about twice a year.

About that last post

It was a rebuttal to something my buddy Dan Santat wrote on his blog about Van Nuys. Had to defend my town. I'll resume my crazy rants shortly.

I Love Van Nuys

When our realtor suggested Van Nuys, I said no. I didn't want to live amongst adult book stores and auto dealerships on Van Nuys Blvd.

But like most things in life, I hadn't looked closely. I needed to look closer. And much to my surprise - I can't see myself living anywhere else. I love Van Nuys.

I love the way people jog, walk, bike, and roller blade around Lake Balboa.

I love the hokey golf ball water-fountains that are visible on the public golf course.

I love the big silver futuristic-looking Orange Line buses.

I love the way all the streets run north/south and east/west all the way. If you ever need to get anywhere, you can take any street you want.

I love the way my kids watch the small airplanes and helicopters flying in and out of Van Nuys airport.

I love the way my kids watch the big airplanes flying in and out of Burbank airport... so high that we can only see them and can't hear them.

I love the way my kids watch the remote-control airplanes flying above the model plane park off Woodley.

I love the fact that there's a Japanese Garden in walking distance of my house.

I love the fact that there's a bird sanctuary adjacent to the Japanese Garden.

I love the yellow "EARL" signs that direct the "My Name Is Earl" crew to their location that day.

I love that there are a dozen major supermarkets close to my house.

I love that there are a dozen doctors and dentists offices close to my house.

I love that there are a dozen family-run donut shops close to my house.

I love that the 405 and 101 freeways are near me - but I'm close enough that I can get on/off them using side streets and not having to resort to using the sadistically cruel 405-to-101 interchange.

I love the Zankou Chicken on Sepulveda Blvd.

I love the huge trees that you know were planted 60 years ago when the whole San Fernando Valley was covered in fruit trees.

I love that the ancient Van Nuys Toys R Us is one of the few remaining stores in the world that have the old design with the long rows.

I love the Calvin and Hobbes-inspired mural outside Birmingham High School.

I love being able to go to the Kids WB, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and Disney without having to get on the freeway.

I love being close to the Van Nuys Government Center - and the biggest police station I've ever seen.

I love the duct-tape-holding-it-together charm of the Van Nuys Iceland skating rink.

I love being close to the Springbok - a South African bar. Raise your hand if you even knew such a place existed? Not me.

I love the way people look at you when you tell them you live in Van Nuys - as if you're only joking with them.

I love walking into an air conditioned building after walking around in the hot San Fernando Valley summer air.

And most of all-

I love that most people have a bad image of Van Nuys, so that I was able to actually afford to live here.

So please disregard everything I wrote above. Van Nuys is awful. You don't want to move here.

December 2005 Music Diary

Didn't find any new music worth raving about this past month, so instead of a music diary, I'll just go ahead and post my Holiday iTunes playlist.

Last Christmas - Jimmy Eat World
Do They Know Its Christmas - Pete Yorn
Christmas is All Around - Billy Mack
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - U2
Green Christmas - Barenaked Ladies
Chipmunk Christmas - John Scofield
Linus and Lucy - Vince Guaraldi Trio
O Tannenbaum - Vince Guaraldi Trio
What Child Is This -Vince Guaraldi Trio
My Little Drum - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Christmas Time Is Here (Instrumental) - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal) - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Skating - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Hark the Herald Angel Sings - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Christmas Is Coming - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Fur Elise - Vince Guaraldi Trio
The Christmas Song - Vince Guaraldi Trio
Greensleeves - Vince Guaraldi Trio

Party Like an Animation Writer

So my managers at the Gotham Group threw a nice little shindig on Monday to wrap presents for the less fortunate. Got to see old friends and meet new ones - including Alexx Van Dyne, Baz Hawkins, Bob Schooley & Mark McCorkle, Charlotte Fullerton, Doug TenNapel, Holly Huckins, Kent Redeker, Kevin Hopps, Marty Isenberg, Nicole Dubuc, Rich Fogel, Ron Freidman & Steve Bencich, and Tracy Berna.

The great turn out is either a testament to positive holiday spirit... or that we creative types are drawn to free alcohol.

What I Did this Weekend

Busy weekend. Let's recap.

Friday Night:
Watched tv and ate potato chips. Okay - so the WHOLE weekend wasn't busy.

Saturday Afternoon:
Went to the DGA Theatre on Sunset for a screening of Woody Allen's new movie, Match Point - followed by a Q&A with Woody Allen. I'm a huge Woody Allen fan - he's one of my heroes. In college, I went through my Woody Allen phase - that phase basically ended with me discovering that I could write humor at a fairly non-unfunny level. So to see him in person in addition to a free screening of his new movie? I gave up my hockey tickets to the Kings/Panthers game to go see it.

At the screening, lots of people from various guilds and organizations. Saw fellow writers Clifford Green, Stephanie Liss, Bart Gold, Dani Wolff, Lucy Wang, Ron Zwang - along with actors Jeffrey Ross and Jeff Garlin - and some fellow who looked exactly like Albert Einstein. The movie itself was excellent. The comparisons to Crimes and Misdemeanors are apt ones. A good movie throughout elevated by an amazing ending that's unexpected but logical, and ties into all the themes of the film.

After the film, they introduce the moderator - who asks when Woody will be here. They say that he's already there. Everyone turns around - and we don't see him. Then someone calls out, "He's tying his shoe!" Sure enough, a moment later, Woody rises up out of the back and walks down to the stage to a nice standing ovation. I had a nice aisle seat so he walked past me. Let me just say what everyone else said - he looks just like he does in his movies. Button up shirt, dark brown pants, gray socks, brown shoes. And he certainly didn't look like a guy who just turned 70 years-old. Then again, when he was 30 years-old, he didn't look like a guy who just turned 70 years-old. The Q&A seemed short, but I probably just wanted it to go on longer. Woody Allen was everything I'd expected - funny, deep, and very self-effacing.

Now if only I could be half as good a writer as he is...

Saturday Night:
First went with my friend Charlotte Fullerton to a party thrown by Kent & Amy Redeker. Met several of the people who work on the Playhouse Disney show, Higglytown Heroes - and hung out with writers including Holly Huckins, Mike Kramer, and Laura McCreary. Then later in the evening, went to the birthday party for my friend Doug Eboch at the Formosa Cafe.

Sunday Night:
Went to the WGA Holiday Party at the House of Blues on Sunset. Lots of writers there - including Anne Toole, Arthur Tiersky, Bob Skir, Brooks Wachtel, Charlotte Fullerton, Clifford Green, Dani Wolff, David Benullo, Doug Eboch, Doug Molitor, Drew Landis, Gordon Briesak, Hunter Phillips, Joelle Sellner, Lucy Wang, Mark Seidenberg, Marv Wolfman, Mike Kramer, Ron Zwang, Scott Murphy, Stan Berkowitz, Steven D'Ambrose, Thom Zahler. And several whose last names I don't remember, like Steve, Harp, John, Billy.

If I have to go to another holiday get together, it'll be TOO SOON. Now if you'll excuse me, my managers are throwing a party this afternoon that I have to go to. No rest for the Eugene...

Internet Critics

The know-it-all internet critic.

Everyone in almost every facet of life has to deal with it. When I first started in software tech support, someone carbon-copied all my emails trying to help him to his "Antique Tractor Collector Mailing List" - so as to humiliate me in front of his buddies. Monitoring all the tech support and webmaster email, I would marvel at the ways people would casually insult and criticize you.

For years, some people at work would try to participate in the USENET newsgroups - but most of it was just the typical complaining. "This program stinks!" "I used to like the program, but now it's gone downhill!" "The people at Eudora are incompetent!" "Why won't they just make this change? It's SO OBVIOUS!" "I know more about this program than the people who make it!" "I've sent emails telling them things that they should do - and they never take my advice! How arrogant!"

Here's what I've figured out so far about the internet critic.

First off, many of them are young. I think one of the creators of Penny Arcade once said (and I'm paraphrasing), "Thank goodness the internet wasn't around when I was 13 years-old, or else all the embarrassingly stupid things I thought back then would be preserved on the internet for everyone to see." True. I'm not perfect - I said things when I was young that I'm glad none of you can hold against me. Heck, there are things that I wrote last night floating around online that I'm afraid people will see.

Otherwise, most internet critics are simply angry. They're not bad people - just angry. It's just that it takes a lot of energy to sit down and write something for other people to read. Talking about how functional something is and how you don't mind it? Not a big enough activation energy to connect to the internet and start writing. But talking about how you HATE something? How it cheezes you off? How it gnaws at your soul? Now THAT's easy. So most of what you read online will tend to skew negative - even if people, in real life, are pleasant, normal folks.

Finally, there are - of course - the losers. The stereotypical "lives-in-parents'-basement" Star Wars/Star Trek/Doctor Who dork. People who have no interpersonal skills, have no life outside in the real world, so they get their jollies online where no one notices that they're smelly and weird looking. If you were smelly and weird looking, you'd be bitter, too.

I've been getting professionally slagged on the internet for a long time. First as a tech, now as a writer. So it doesn't bother me anymore.

HOWEVER - this morning, I found a message board thread slagging a particular television show. A television show intended for pre-schoolers. A television show intended for pre-schoolers that MY FRIEND works on. And despite my ability to not let it bother me, I'm now in a nasty flame-war exchanging insults with the 13 year-olds, the angry people, and the losers.

So what's the best way to deal with the know-it-all internet critic? As David Koepp said (as relayed by John Rogers), don't pay attention to the mouth-breathers. They're entitled to their opinion. Arguing with them might make you feel better, but it'll create more enmity than it's worth. Learn to ignore them.

Oh. And maybe have a message board account under a fake username so you can use mercilessly insult anyone who dares talk badly about your friends. Those Antique Tractor Collectors still don't know what hit them.

Want to see a GREAT commercial?

From Hollywood Elsewhere comes the new Gap commercial directed by Spike Jonze. I don't want to spoil it - just visit that link and watch the commercial.

Spike Jonze is amazing.

Worst Thing About the Holidays (Angry Hate-filled Rant)

I don't hate many things in life. Especially around Christmas. But there's one thing that arrives every December that has to be the worst annual tradition of all time. It's insulting, insipid, stupid, degrading - and it happens EVERY DECEMBER.

I'm talking about those holiday Lexus commercials.

You know the ones? With the same annoying fingernails-on-chalkboard music year after year after year? And the commercials always show husbands and wives giving each other a Lexus for the holidays? With an oversized novelty bow neatly wrapped on top? And the same annoying music year after year after year?

LOOK, Lexus. I like rich people. I really do. Someday I hope to be one of them. And whatever they do with their money is totally cool with me. But I do NOT want to see these stupid ads. They infuriate me in too many distinct ways.

First off, what kind of idiot - even if they HAVE the money to blow $50,000 plus taxes and surcharges on a present - would give the gift of an AUTOMOBILE? Gifts need to be somewhat returnable if they don't fit or if they're the wrong color or if they're a stick-shift instead of an automatic. Gifts should not lose a huge chunk of its resale value as soon as you leave the mall. Gifts should not have gift receipts that require a credit check.

If a loved one gave ME a car for the holidays, I wouldn't be all happy and lovey dovey. I'd try and throttle some sense into them. After I carefully rip that stupid over-sized novelty bow off the roof of the car. How is someone else supposed to know what kind of car I'd like to drive? The color? The features? The warming leather seats that gently cushion and support my posterior? An automobile is something I WANT TO PICK OUT MYSELF. I DO NOT want some person picking it out for me. And what if I like my current car? Can't trade it in - it's too late. I've already got the stupid car with the over-sized novelty bow. I'd probably have to bury the old car in a lake... maybe with the loved one who gave me the new Lexus in the trunk.

Leave the giving of cars as gifts to trained professionals like Bob Barker and Pat Sajak.

And why is Lexus pointing these commercials at me? I get it if they want to advertise to rich people. Maybe buy full size ads in "Rich Person Magazine" or sponsor the Golf Tour or something. But during SPORTING EVENTS and PRIMETIME SHOWS watched by NORMAL PEOPLE? Does Lexus get some sort of sick pleasure out of giving us a window into the lives of the rich? Are they one step away from showing me Donald Trump taking a bath in his bathtub?

C'mon Lexus. Shake yourself. You should be known for luxury cars - not over-sized bows.

Myster-izzle, Fo Shizzle

Remember a few months back when I wondered if it was Standards & Practices acceptable to say "Fo Shizzle Dizzle" in an animated show? Mystery solved.

Dr. Drakken says, "Fo Shizzle, She-Dizzle" in the Kim Possible: So The Drama.

I don't know about you, but I feel much better now.

Fun Lunch Today

Had a great lunch today with a writer who is amazingly talented, funny, and humble. Totally downplays all her success on one of the hippest shows ever. People like her are just so cool to be around.

Note to my friends and family. If I'm ever as successful as she is, I'm SO NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THAT. You'll know when I've made it because I'm going to walk around handing out business cards that say, "EUGENE SON : PROFESSIONAL JERK".

Maybe on some of that nice bondo heavy card stock? Ooo - that'll be sweet...