RANT: Lazy Cheating Church Songwriters

Not much going on at the moment. Just a quick rant.

I've written ADR (Automatic Dialogue Replacement) scripts for English translations of Japanese anime shows - where the dialogue written has to match pre-existing animation. You watch mouth flaps and you come up with dialogue that makes sense, yet fits and makes sense. When writing a script like this, every syllable counts. You can't have a character shout, "Inconceivable, my dear Watson, who I love only in a strictly platonic sense!" when his mouth moves only once. No matter how much you like that line you've written, if the animation dictates that the mouth only moves once, then you have to find another shorter word to make it work.

I was reminded of this when in church today, flipping through the church songbook. Song after song written by lazy songwriters - who make up words to get them to fit the song.

C'mon! Using words like O'ER instead of OVER? I can maybe forgive that since it shows up in dictionaries, if I didn't see it so frequently as a crutch to fit the lyrics into a song. But there's no dictionary that suggests the word HEAV'N instead of HEAVEN. EV'RY instead of EVERY? What is this, does God like his hymns written like they're VANITY LICENSE PLATES with words being b'st'rdized and cut down to fit?

So help me, there's even a church song where a line ends with HEAV'N... just so that it can rhyme with the word GIV'N.

In writing ADR scripts, there's a term called cheating. It's where you acknowledge that the line you've written doesn't quite fit the mouth movements, but it's unavoidable - so you need the actor to cheat the line and read it fast so that it'll fit.

And that's what these church songwriters are doing. They're CHEATING. Instead of taking the time to find a word that fits, they're MAKING UP WORDS. And that's lazy. I mean, it's one thing to succumb to lazy writing when you're doing it for the paycheck. But if you're writing a song for GOD and you're blatantly cutting corners?

I don't want to speak for God, but if I was God and someone wrote a song and referred to J'sus Christ just to make some lyrics fit? Old Testament God would make a return appearance for a little old-school smiting.

-Eug'n

May 2006 Music Diary

So here's what I'm listening to this month-

The Adventure - Angels & Airwaves
S.L.H. (Sri Lanka High) - C.H.A.O.S. Productions (D.J. Jay R)
Svefn-g-englar - Sigur Ros
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Vertigo - U2
I Can Dream About You - Dan Hartman
El President - Drugstore (with Thom York)

Blink 182 is one of my secret shames. Even when every ounce of my body tells me that they're cheezy Star 98.7 fluff, I like them anyways. As soon as I heard the Adventure, I knew that it had to be yet-another-band from the former members of Blink. And my shame begins again.

Most "mash ups" are brutal - but a few of them are undeniably catchy. Sri Lanka High is one of the great ones - it mixes the Ramones Rock & Roll High School with M.I.A.'s Galang.

The Sigur Ros track is one that I've always liked, but I never knew who did it or where I could find it. I finally found out a few weeks ago on the Vanilla Sky soundtrack and it's been in regular rotation in iTunes since.

He may be an unknown talent, but D.J. Dangermouse is scary talented. His last three proejcts - the underground "Gray Album", the Gorillaz, and now Gnarls Barkley. Crazy is one great tune.

Can't tell you why U2's Vertigo and Dan Hartman's I Can Dream About You are on this list. Just the luck of the draw from when I have iTunes set to random play.

Ditto with El President by Drugstore. I'm not a huge Radiohead addict who always loves everything they do, but I always look forward to hearing anything they do. This track by Drugstore features vocals by Radiohead's Thom York - who has a solo album coming out later this year.

Failure To Duel

Looks like Cartoon Network replaced Duel Masters last Saturday night with a Teen Titans episode. No word yet on when it'll air. The Cartoon Network schedule says that the next episode of Duel Masters airs this Saturday night at 7pm - as soon as I know, I'll post it here.

The Last Duel Masters episodes

The last three episodes of Duel Masters are premiering in the upcoming weeks. The last one I wrote is episode #11 - Switcharoo. It airs on Cartoon Network this Saturday night at 7pm.

Shobu takes on Yu Mama in the Tournament Finals. But is Yu Mama under outside control? And by who?

Wait - is that supposed to be "by whom"? Oh well. I don't need to know grammar. It's not like I be a writer and it not be important.

And now I'm talking like the Hulk. Time to go to bed...

The Eugene Syndrome

When Jim Carrey was just starting to become huge, he did an interview with the L.A.Times where he talked about "The Eugene Syndrome". Basically, Carrey explained that his parents gave him the middle name "Eugene" to keep him humble - that no matter how great things go, something stupid and/or embarrassing would happen to him and keep him humble... because of his middle name Eugene. He explained (and I remember each word to this day) - "You can never get too cool with a name like Eugene."

And wise philosopher Jim Carrey is correct. For when you are named Eugene, things will happen that will keep you humble. Case in point-

Last week, I was chatting with two other animation writer friends of mine. Since the three of us are between assignments (read : unemployed), instead of moping around, we picked a day that we'd go to the movies.

The day before we were going to go, the first friend got hired for a job, so he had to pass on the movies. Later on that day, my other friend got hired for a job, and he, too, had to pass on the movies. Later that day, I waited for my phone to ring but it never did.

So to recap, at this very moment, everyone is working but me. Now usually it only FEELS like that when you're between assignments (read : unemployed) - but in my case, I actually have proof to back up my claim.

By the way, I know that this is just a temporary dry spell. Before I know it, I'm going to be swamped busy again with writing work and I'm going to wish that I had enjoyed my free time instead of whining about not working. So thanks for indulging me.

And for the love of PETE, whatever you do, don't name your children Eugene.

John Lasseter & Pixar

Great article about John Lasseter in Fortune magazine. Lots of great inspiring stuff about how he got his dream job at Disney, how he got fired, and how he's returned to Disney as a hero. Terrific read.

Pixar's magic man

Javascript within a Cascading Style Sheet (CSS)

I know I know - this isn't the usual subject matter for my blog. My blog is more about the Batman-vs-Kim Possible fan-fiction-type geek and less the slashdot-Linux-type geek. But I was searching for this information over the weekend and couldn't find anything, so I figure I'd blog it here and maybe someday someone will google the topic and save themselves some time. I used to do stuff like this at my old job, but it's been a while, so if I made any mistakes... well, I'm a writer, not a programmer.

The issue : I was trying to get a javascript to rotate background images. Most people suggest using PHP to rotate images, but the webserver that I was trying to put this page doesn't support PHP. I had to do it in javascript.

The tricky part - I needed the javascript to be inside the CSS, because certain properties like repeat-x and repeat-y are (as best as I can tell) only available through CSS. I did everything I could to get that javascript to activate inside the CSS, but it wouldn't do it.

The solution : Use javascript to create the CSS.

<SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript"><!--
function random_content(){
var mycontent=new Array()
mycontent[1]='01.jpg'
mycontent[2]='02.jpg'
mycontent[3]='03.jpg'
var ry=Math.floor(Math.random()*mycontent.length)
if (ry==0)
ry=1
document.write("<style type=\"text/css\"> body { margin: 0px; padding : 0; background : #CCCCCC url(" + mycontent[ry] + ") fixed repeat-y bottom left; } </style>")
}
random_content()
// --></SCRIPT>

As you can see, the first part of the javascript creates the array with the various graphics. The second part of the javascript document.writes the style tag and defines the body properties.

Hope this helps someone out there who was googling for "help with javascript and CSS"... and not someone out there who was googling for "Batman-vs-Kim Possible fan fiction". If so, FOR SHAME.

My E3 Experience

I didn't go.

I overslept my alarm - then found out my friend who was going to go with me was sick and couldn't go. So I ended up climbing back into bed and enjoying a few more hours of sweet sweet unconsciousness.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Odds & Ends

-Reminder that my A.T.O.M. episode Spydah, Spiders Everywhere airs this Saturday at 1:30pm on Toon Disney.

-The URL is spreading around the internet now and you've probably already heard of it, but Pandora is changing the idea of internet radio. It's part of the Music Genome Project, where they take a song you like and try to find other songs that they think you'll like.

You can tune it by telling it if you like/don't like the song - and it'll even give you a list of reasons why it thinks you'll like the song - things like "major key tonality". I'm just afraid that one day I'm going to click on a song and it'll say, "We played this song for you, Eugene, because based on your data, you like CRAP MUSIC."

Anyways, Pandora - check it out. It's amazing.

-I might head over and check out E3 tomorrow. I feel like I haven't gotten my usual dosage of bright flashing lights and obnoxiously loud music. A visit to E3 should fix that.

The British Girl from College

I have to go back and blog about the blonde exchange student from college.

I had signed up for an upper division Literature/Screenwriting course. It was a small class and there was no avoiding this amazing jaw-droppingly attractive blonde girl in the class. When she started talking in her British accent, every straight male in that class was mesmerized by her. During the discussion of various films, she and I had an exchange about how we both enjoyed Quiz Show. Then she talked about the differences from watching Four Weddings and a Funeral with a British audience and then an American one - she explained that she found that the different audiences laughed at different parts of the film.

After class, she came over and talked to me - she asked me if I knew her roommate, because she thought my voice sounded familiar. I don't remember what I said but I remember thinking, "Egads - she looks even more beautiful from up close." She left - and then me and the other guys in the room all shared the same look of WOW.

The next week, I dutifully showed up to class. But she wasn't there. Nor was she there the next week. She apparently dropped the class and I never saw her again.

I don't think about that girl very much - and yet I just blogged about her. There's a scene in Citizen Kane where Mr. Bernstein explains-

"A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl."

I don't remember what the girl's name was. In fact, I don't even really remember what she looked like. She could walk past me tomorrow and I would have no clue that she was the one. But I never got the chance to ask her what parts of Four Weddings and a Funeral got different reactions from British and American audiences. It would've been a nice story.

My loss, I suppose. The girl and the story that got away.

My New Most Favorite Brit

Over the years, there have been other people who've been Eugene's Most Favorite Brit. Luminaries and visionaries, such as C.S.Lewis, Kenneth Branagh, and that blonde exchange student who dropped out of my Screenwriting 110 class in college after only one tantalizing afternoon of being the focal point for every straight male in that classroom. But big congrats to the newest Brit to receive the honor of Eugene's New Most Favorite Brit.

Actually, wait. The top position of Most Favorite Brit is still held by writer/director Richard Curtis. I worship the ground that guy walks on. The man's voice is funny but with a warm human touch - deftly celebrating life through humor. He's written many memorably funny lines in movies like Four Weddings and a Funeral and Notting Hill - but my favorite line of his isn't one that people remember. In Love, Actually, the Karen character asks her daughter, "There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?" The line doesn't make me laugh, so much as it just makes me happy.

Okay, so Richard Curtis is still the most favorite Brit. And the number two spot was recently grabbed by Philip Glenister - the actor who plays D.C.I. Gene Hunt on the show Life On Mars. There can't be many actors who can sell the line, "Never doubt the Gene Genie."

Now where was I? Oh yes - my new most favorite Brit, who is in actuality, my third favorite Brit. But that's still pretty good. So move aside Ricky Gervais, you've been replaced by-

Dave Gorman. A British comedian who I've discovered from his recent appearances on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. You can view his appearances on the Comedy Central website. I dare you to watch his "poll smoking" bits and not laugh at his ability to keep a straight face.

So go click on that link and watch the videos... while I eagerly await the next British Invasion.

A.T.O.M. #16 - Spydah, Spiders Everywhere

For those of you who've watched the A.T.O.M. episode, "Spydah, Spiders Everywhere" or in case this gets cached and someday people are actually googling about this particular episode...

-The episode originally was to feature the origin of the villain Spydah. The scene appeared in the outline and in the first draft, but was cut for time purposes and was never recorded.

-The original draft of the episode had much more with the tree frog, Clarence.

-The name of the military base ended up as "Fort McGinnis" - named after one of my best friends, Eric McGinnis.

-The original ending of the script had another jokey scene that was in the final draft of the script I turned in, but was cut (presumably before it was recorded). The final ending turned out good with the frogs being the unwanted roommates, but just in case anyone's interested, here's the extra scene-

                    KING
          The little ones are even more
          poisonous than the big ones.  
          Hawk’s room is off-limits.

                    SHARKMAN
          This is unfair!

                    HAWK
          This is totally unfair!

                    LIONESS
          This is totally King’s fault.  

Everyone glares at King.  

                    KING
          Okay, okay.  I’ll share my room 
          with Hawk until the frogs are gone.

                    HAWK
          No.  Nein.  Nyet.  I am through 
          with roommates.  Besides, I have a 
          much better idea.

INT. KING’S ROOM - ABANDONED AQUATIC CENTER - DAY
Hawk finishes cleaning his desk with a white towel.  All of 
his belongings are inside King’s room.

Through the open doorway, Axel helps King move his mattress 
into the hallway.  All of King’s belongings are in the 
hallway - including his pet cages and aquariums.

                    KING
          This is so not cool.

                    AXEL
          When you catch all the frogs in 
          Hawk’s room, you get your room 
          back.  Til then, you’re sleeping on 
          the couch, pal.  

                    KING
          <GROAN>

King sits down on his mattress in the hallway.  Next to him 
is the aquarium with his tree frog.  He stares at the frog.

                    KING
          I hope you’re happy.

The frog <RIBBITS>. 

Stoopid TV Listings (A.T.O.M.)

I told you a few months back that I wrote episode #16 of the first season of A.T.O.M. - Alpha Teens On Machines. They've been playing them out of order, so I've had no idea when my episode was going to air. A few weeks ago, they aired episode 13, episode 11, then re-ran episodes 1 and 2. I checked this week's listings and it didn't say what episode was on. So I set the Tivo and figured the odds were pretty good that it wasn't my episode.

Then this evening, I got around to seeing which A.T.O.M. aired this week. Wouldn't you know it? It was mine.

SO-

Episode #16 Spydah, Spiders Everywhere written by yours truly will air Sunday morning, May 7th (tomorrow) at 8:30 am on ABC Family. It'll also air at 1:30pm tomorrow on Toon Disney. And then if you missed those, it will air on Saturday, May 13th at 1:30pm on Toon Disney.

Sometimes my friends and family complain that I don't tell them when my stuff is on. I know I should be better about letting everybody know when my stuff is on. But I swear - this time, it wasn't my fault.

The 101 Tomato

I had a meeting scheduled for this afternoon, but I ended up getting a call to postpone and reschedule. Not a big surprise, since meetings get rescheduled all the time - but this time, I think it was a blessing in disguise.

You see, today is May 1st, and I wasn't really looking forward to driving the streets with, oh, 300,000 to 500,000 people marching in support of immigrant rights. With my luck, I would've driven into the middle of the protest and ended up missing forever. Anyways, it's being rescheduled for later this week.

But this reminded me of the time I had a meeting at the same place as today's was supposed to be. I was driving on the 101 freeway transitioning to the 134, and as usual in Los Angeles, traffic was crawling. I was in the "fast" lane and on my left, I started looking at the concrete freeway divider - when it caught my eye. On the concrete barrier in the middle of the freeway on my left? There was a plant growing at the base of it. Which isn't too weird, since sometimes you'll see weeds or grasses somehow managing to grow on the freeway divider.

But this was no ordinary plant. It was a tomato plant - about two or three feet high. It had a handful of green tomatoes growing on it... and a few of them were RIPENING. I gawked at it for a second to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. How on EARTH did a tomato plant get planted in the middle of the 101 freeway? I suddenly imagined that it must've been caused by some awful freeway accident, maybe involving a mobile tomato seed delivery truck, a Sparkletts water delivery truck, and a semi-truck hauling manure fertilizer.

I suppose it really says something about the power of nature that it can grow in the most inhospitable of places, like the 101 freeway. But I wonder if a freeway tomato tastes any different than a regular garden tomato?

A few days later, I drove that way again and the tomato plant was gone. I guess it'd attracted attention and a crew from CalTrans cleaned up the freeway and chopped the plant down.

But I like to think that somewhere there's a CalTrans worker who saved the tomatoes - and is one of the few people on earth to know what a freeway tomato tastes like.